color blind | e.d

xvi. healing

We finally made it back to our home town after three arguments later over stupid Cameron and everything he's done to me. I love that Ethan is being protective and all but it's starting to get out of hand. It's like he's too attached. It's starting to irritate me to the point I want to push him against the wall with all my force and scream at him to drop it. But what is that going to solve?

"Ethan, I've told you three times already, Cameron is irrelevant!" I finally scream at him. I held in my white-hot anger for as long as I could, but now I was completely furious. He's taking it too far.

"For the third time, I've told you that this is relevant!" He shouts back, his voice deep and scary. My heart is racing. "Have you ever thought about how that bastard could've ruined our relationship?! What if all the things he said were true? And I was the type of guy to get pissed off at the fact that you wouldn't tell me any personal shit? Well, I'm not. I respected your space. He had his chance; he should've done his job!"

"Is this what's this really about?" I question stubbornly. "You know, you always try to protect me, but you're so overprotective! It's ridiculous! One little encounter with some dumbass and you go crazy and start swinging. Why? Why do you do this? Why are you like this?!"

"Because!" He slams the brakes, stopping dead in the middle of a road in the backwoods. If I wasn't prepared for the sudden action I would be surprised at how hard I jerked forward. Ethan's breathing is now evening out as we sit here, alone, in nothing but a dark abyss. The only light source is his headlights and a few stars and the moon in the sky.

"I never told you why I'm the way I am," he starts softly, now glancing at me and holding my attention. He takes his time trying to tell me his explanation.

"In middle school, I had a girlfriend. She was head of the cheer squad, I played football, ironically your power couple. We dated from the beginning of eighth grade year up until towards the end of freshman year.

"Well anyways, there was a party at the lake. It was of course me and her with most of our class there. Austin's dad had grilled while Ashlyn's—my girlfriend at the time—mom made the side items or whatever. It was basically a birthday party for Austin, but his birthday wasn't until a week after.

"All of us went down to the lake later that evening to take a swim and then get on the boat. Once on the boat, a fight broke out between Grayson and Ryan, who've never liked each other to begin with. It was getting violent, and as I held Grayson back, Ryan swung, missed, hit Ashlyn in the face and knocked her overboard . . ."

Ethan trails off, his eyes glassy and his head turned towards the window, not facing me anymore. I was beginning to sadden at the thought of where this was going.

"I couldn't jump in. I knew that if I jumped in, no one would save me. As selfish as it sounds, I didn't jump in only to save myself. I wasn't thinking of how this would affect me five years later. So Scarlett did. When they surfaced, my gut, something in my gut, told me it was too late. I didn't save her."

The sweet boy beside me clenches his hair, turning to me with tears streaming down his face.

"I didn't save her!" He cries, which breaks my heart. "I should've done something. Maybe I would've been happier. Maybe her family wouldn't have hatred for me every time they glanced in my direction. April, I'm sorry, but if you want to break up, right now is the time. All you have to do is say the magic words. I'll understand."

Voice trembling, eyes red, and body shakes are all I see from him. He keeps blinking, but it doesn't help keep him calm. I swallow the sickening feeling in my throat and rub his arm.

"I don't want to break up with you," I say, my voice sounding as if I were on the verge of tears, which is true. "I never intended to. It's just sometimes, I feel as though you do it to show me off and to be that 'perfect' boyfriend, and I appreciate that, I honestly do. But maybe you took this too far. I'm not saying to stop. Keep doing it, just when the time is right." I hope I was clear as crystals when I said this, my hand resting gently on his. He glances down and intertwines our fingers.

He holds our conjoined hands up, "I don't ever want to lose this. This means the world to me, and I hope you and everyone who knows me understands that. You're my everything." A few drops of wet tears gets on my hand, but I didn't care, because I was crying as well. Ethan rests his head on our hands.

"If I were to ever lose you, I don't know what I'd do. Let's just please never have this argument again, okay?" he tries to smile, kissing my hand twice before leaning over and kissing my lips and then my cheek, and then my nose. I kiss him back on the jaw.

"I love you baby," I rub his thick hair.

"I love you more princess." My boy puts the car back in drive, going on down the road and turns on some music to go with it. I didn't know who the artist of the song was, so it must be something his family listens to.

"What's the song called?" I break the silence in the car. It was beginning to feel awkward at the time.

"Death of a Bachelor, by Panic! At the Disco," he answers me with simplicity. I nod my head, listening to the lyrics and watching the blurry scenery out of my window. In times like these are when I feel so secure about myself, confident that I'm doing my part right. And maybe, just maybe, I could continue seeing myself in Ethan's life for a potentially long time.

With the lengthy car ride and the blaring pop rock music, I was happy (for once) of dating someone white. Last year, I never imagined that I'd fall in love with someone of the opposite race; I didn't think I'd ever be interested in an interracial relationship.

Ethan's changed that. If you were to look at him today, you would think he would be the type to say: "I don't date black girls." But no, it's entirely different. He's admitted that he dates all skin tones of black girls, as well as many other tones of skin.

I found beauty within that, within him. There was always beauty in the struggle. Mine just happened to be in a friendship.

finally updated so you can thank me now. 😍
-Merriett 💕