desolation° taeyong

// chapter seventeen

"Just wait for a minute--" I stepped hard on the ground to stop from walking as Taeyong was tugging my wrist. "Why?"

"This is wrong." I snapped. Taeyong replied with pouted lips and furrowed brows and said "How is being with me wrong?"

"If it's an explanation you want then I'll give it to you." He added, releasing my hand abrputly. "Six years ago, after that god damn risky and perilous operation, I was in a comatose for 7 months. After I had recovered, my parents and I went back to seoul an started again after being financially drained because of my illness--,"

"This is not what I mean." I muttered.

"Bwo?" He whispered in perplexity.

"You know what It is. Don't play dumb,"

"I don't!"

"You do know,"

"Woman what is it?! What else do you even want?!" He exploded in exasperation, barking at me with wrinkled forehead. "What the fuck are you referring to?! I am here right now! Isn't that not what you want?! To be with me?! Aren't I what you've been looking for?!"

Taken aback, my shoulders unconsciously slumped and my eyes begin to tear up in fright."Why are you even like that? Why are you mad at me? You weren't like this before Tae. Why have You become selfish, egoistic and self-centered? Listening to you, you don't sound like you at all!" I yelled. "It's cold out here but I am burning." I added.

Taeyong's eyes pooled with tears but something forbade him from shedding not even a single one. "What do you mean by that Han? You really think I am that dirty? That solipsistic? I am not mad at you. I am mad because i expected too much; i assumed too much okay? Look,I came back for you Hanika and I looked for you for years, thinking you were still holding on--"

"No,"

"You didn't come back for me. Technically it was I who came here and by accident, I bumped into you again. but Tae, that doesn't mean we should love again....I think... but I am a living mess and we both know that." I retorted, walking away from him. Taeyong trailed behind me and held my shoulders, shifting my body to him.

"So what if you're a walking mess?! I love you Hana. Does that not mean anything to you?" He said with drowsy eyes and shaky voice.

Pursing my lips into a thin line, i heaved heavily through my nose and Replied "Tae, Everytime i become happy, something bad mirrors it. I can be happy with you, i am sure of that but i know something and someone will always get in the way"

"What? I don't understand." Taeyong answered. "We have all the time we need now. What else is wrong?"

"You said you love me but you are making me your second option" I crooned, internally shattering. "You're making me feel small!!"

"Second option? God damn it woman,you're barely the only option I've got" he retorted, with quivering jaws.

"I am not blind you playboy! I won't allow myself to become your.....side hoe!" I scowled with indignation and despair.

"Side hoe?--What does another woman have to do with this? Is someone bothering you?"

I chuckled sarcastically at Taeyong and replied "Don't try to defend Jennie" 

"Jennie?! What the fuck does she have to do with this?!" he exclaimed with furrowed brows and piercing cold eyes. "Shit... she must've been back at my apartment again." he whispered to himself but audible enough for me to hear. "Don't act as if you're innocent." I retorted sarcastically. "I'm not! Jennie is a no one Hana. Believe me. She's an insane woman who's desperate and whose life is messed up ever since Mingyu left her. I was the only one she had when everything happened and she has somehow developed a disorder since then because she actually thinks I am her real boyfriend when really I am not!" he explained.

"Han... I'm here for you.... That's all that matters now. I love you and--" 

"Enough with the lies Taeyong. I know you're not in love with me; you just pity me because I am alone and in need of accompany." I interjected with arched brows and a sarcastic grin. " Lee Taeyong, Love me not because You have to, but because you want to." I added.

Taeyong's front contorted in annoyance and frustration after I had replied. "I do love you Hanika. God damnit. If I didn't love you, i wouldn't have asked mark to look after you for 3 god damn years, watch you be happy with him even though he has fucking fallen inlove with you,which was neve part of the plan, and not witnessing your smile every single day even though it was because of Mark and not because of me.if I didn't love you ,I wouldn't have runaway,  rebel and stay hidden fron my parents even though they told me not to do so, even though I'll lose my fortune. I gave up a lot of things for you and still you think I am selfish? How about you? Aren't you playing the game too safe? Why? If you're Too afraid, then so am I. Hana we met for a reason. So why are you reluctant?" Taeyong's nose clogged with icky fluids  making him speak through his nasal. His eyes gradually turned red and at the corner of hi eye, a tear escaped and rolled down his cheeks.

"Mark?" 

Of all the significant things he said to me, Mark was barely the only thing I was able to follow. How is he even involved in this situation?

"What do you mean by Mark looking after me?" I added as confusion was overtaking my system. "I was far from you so I had to ask someone to watch you while I am away and--"

"Why didn't you just simply tell me that you were alive? Why didn't you just show up?" I interposed as consecutive briny tears rolled down my cheeks, leaving stains on both sides.

Taeyong momentarily gaped and could barely reply to me. He simply licked his lips and held both of my shoulders as were both shaking in the cold alleyway.

"Hana. If only I was brave enough at that time then I would've. I was afraid that once we'll be seeing again, I'll cause you another chaos. I wasn't stable at that time; I was still recovering and i was unsure if I would even last a year so if I were to run back to you again, all we're going to do is rush and get hurt again--you've had enough scars already and I cannot afford to even leave a damn scratch on you once more." I was actually left speechless because I didn't expect him to be still self-less even with the circumstances. I actually thought he was going to make another lame excuse to escape the conversation by sounding fine and all when really he's not but instead, he was willing to tell me how he felt and showed that he was firm with what he wanted.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and was about to turn around and DASH out of the area in embarrassment but he had already read my mind. He gave my arms a squeeze and forcefully made me stand stiff. "About Jennie. She's a no one." he said with a reassuring smile, basically showing that he had won this argument.

He then held my cheeks and continued "Please believe me." Smiling with frozen chapped lips.