unhealthy - 2jae

five - cyj

the dilemma that i hate

Hospitals are nice, I think. Everyone's serious about keeping perfect hygiene and mini hand sanitizer containers with you at all times. There's at least one stuffed in my jacket's pocket at all times. It's indispensable to me.

If I tell you 'gloves,' you would surely think of oven mitts or winter gloves. They're there to keep your hands warm or safe.

Well, that's the same for rubber gloves.

I've been buying rubber gloves for myself since high school.

Of course, I do own some gloves that are made of cloth or something reusable. I have to take time to wash those, though, and that's a lot of work when you own around fifty pairs of them.

I don't have a glove fetish. I don't buy them to collect them, either. I make use of them often, and they've become my most treasured items by now.

...

I want to stop.

My diet isn't exactly what you call healthy, honestly. I don't go out to eat at restaurants. If I go outside for food, I buy frozen or microwaveable packs of food like ramen. This has gotten worse since I left my parents' house and started living in my own apartment.

Hopefully, it won't kill me anytime soon.

...

I look at the arm that Im Jaebum grabbed while I walk hastily down the hall. I have to focus on where I'm walking, but my mind tells me to look at that arm again. I think I reach my limit and I run for the bathroom; the staff's bathroom, of course, not the patients'.

I stop in front of a sink and mirror, staring at my reflection. Breathe in and out calmly, just like mom told you to. I grab a fresh sheet of paper towel and turn on the faucet. I'm thankful that the restrooms have running hot water available. Cupping my hands, I create a bowl for the hot water and although it burns, I splash it on my arm. I use that same paper towel to push some soap out of the dispenser and gently rub it across my now wet arm. With more water, which was now boiling, I rinse the soap off.

A small tear escapes my eye and rolls down my cheek. The hot water does hurt, but I don't mind it. There's other things that bother me. I stare at the mirror for a good, long minute before washing my hands again. Why am I like this?

One of the stall doors flings open and a Mark emerges from it, still trying to zip up his pants. He notices me and grins. I bitterly smile back, quickly wiping my arm dry with more paper towels.

"Youngjae, are you alright? Is your first day going well?" he asks kindly while rinsing away at his hands. I nod and his smile breaks slightly. After he dries his hands, he grabs mine and holds it gently while looking at me.

"Youngjae-ah, if there's anything troubling you, you can always tell me. I'll be here to listen and be your mentor," he tells me. I almost cry at his kindness but I nod again silently. He leaves after patting my shoulder, and I feel like collapsing on the floor. I gasp heavily and crouch over the sink once more. I'm not vomiting, no. My stomach is fine.

...

I wash my hands with the burning water again.