10 reasons not to die today

3.That someone

Chapter 3. That someone

Sat, 10th Oct 2015

8:30 pm

My bedroom

They told me that every person is born gifted. That however is the worst lie to ever exist.

To be completely honest, I felt empty, worthless and useless to modern society. I do not have the intelligence and financial means like Mark Zuckerberg to change the world for the better. Nor do I have the courage as Malala Yousafzai to stand up for what I believe is right, even if it means risking my life for greater purpose. These are people that I admired so much from afar, but the truth remains – I am nothing like them.

I've got a job that I never enjoy doing. My alcoholic father is breaking our family apart with his abusive behaviors. Friends and acquaintances go in and out of my life, leaving me to wonder if I ever had a true friend at all. Financially I am screwed. I've got a huge credit card debt like a dark cloud hanging over my head. And relationships? I couldn't get past this one guy whom I dated a year ago.

The pinnacle of adulthood is when one reaches maturity and contribute back for the improvement of the society in which we live. Constantly making the world better, is that not what life is really all about?

I, however, am incapable of participating or contributing to society. I've got no great gift to share with the world. I'm not really worth anything and I fear that one day I'll end up becoming a burden to the very society that I seek desperately to help.

Sometimes, life kicks me so much so that at one point, I felt that I should just commit suicide. The whole world would be better off without me.

Maybe I should just jump off the balcony, really.

But hey -

What about my little brother?

He is battling severe depression. Last year before Christmas he broke down and hurt himself in a great flame of anger. It was like a scene in horror movie, except it was happening in real life. There was a sea of blood everywhere and a motionless body at the corner of his room. We rushed to the hospital, blaming one another for the accident. With the exception of our drunken father, me and mother frantically waited outside of emergency room, praying for his very life.

Say that I choose to jump off the balcony today. What if one day he chooses to end his life, just like his older sister?

I feel like I am betraying his trust. He looked up to me so much. How can I?

I was the first in our extended family to study abroad with a fully funded scholarship. In a way, I did prove that despite our family problems, we all can succeed, and so can he.

No please, he couldn't die – He has so much life to live for

The thought of him committing suicide after me causes a sudden electrical shiver down my spine. I'd be crying from my grave miserably for all the opportunities and future life he missed. The whole point of committing suicide was to ease my pain, but it seems that whatever demon is inside me gains success finding his way to scare me from the grave.

Maybe the whole point of this is not to end my life, but to battle this fight together.

Nope, I couldn't die yet. At least not today.