10 reasons not to die today

5. We might touch others with our existence

Chapter 5: We might touch others with our existence

Wed, 25th Nov 2015

8:00 pm

On my way home

Today my job knocked me down again. After two accounting mistakes, finally my manager told me to hand over my resignation letter in a week.

Man, I'm getting blow after blow in life.

Is this some sort of a hidden blessing or am I just being toyed around by life?

I couldn't blame my boss totally either. Accounting isn't something I'm passionate about. This routine job has sucked the life out of me, leaving me completely drained by the end of the day. And when you're demotivated to do the job, it shows up through the mistake that you've made.

Frankly speaking, I have never felt out of places like this. Lord, whatever had happened to me?

I was once a bright straight A's student in my high school. I love studying and would always competing to be on top of my game. Then I went to university with a fully funded scholarship, majoring in Engineering. That's when my life starts to roll down – my passion in learning starts to disappeared, and I couldn't excel in exams no more.

I was so used of being top 1st class in my high school so it was a major blow to my self-esteem to be considered as 'below-average' students. To make matter worst, I couldn't opted out of engineering either – The company that funded me gave me two options: either I finish my degree fully funded by them or quit the course and repay their funds.

Our family didn't have the money to give away for free. So I strive to finish my degree anyways and went to work in accounting field afterwards – but still it doesn't felt right to me.

Dear Lord, hear me. It's painful to live without a clear direction.

Why am I here?

What is my purpose in life?

Why do you send me to the world for?

As if that weren't enough problems, life suddenly decided to throw another lemon at me. Left with no job, now I'm one step closer to being homeless. And perfect enough, today Peter is coming to crash at my place. How am I supposed to tell him that his sister can't keep her freaking job?

Where can I find money for his school?

I feel like jumping into the path of an oncoming train now.

***

"So Peter, how's home and everything?" I asked while setting up table for dinner.

"Pretty good so far. Dad beat me half to death yesterday, for one boxer I left at the corner of my room. Said I'm a piece of shit, shouldn't have been born from the beginning", He said this nonchalantly as he sat down and put some of spicy aglio olio spaghetti on his plate.

"He beat you again?" I asked as I drank water, trying to clear the spicy sensation on my throat.

I wasn't even shocked to hear this. We were being beaten every day for the slightest mistake – I remember how I was getting beaten for making dinner when I was 17. Apparently the sound of me making soup in kitchen interrupted his sleep, giving him excuses to kick me in the stomach. He threw all my soup in the drain, leaving us going to bed with an empty belly that night.

That's the logic when you are being raised by an alcoholic father.

"I'm tired of living with him. And mom ain't gonna do nothing either she just stare blankly, letting her tears fall watching dad beat the shit out of me - like that's gonna help. I'm tired of this sickening life. Why can't I stay with you?" He snapped.

"It's not that you couldn't stay here, Peter I..."

"Not having enough money to support me, is it?" he looked at me with a stern expression on his face.

"D, I don't care, I'm used sleeping with rumbling belly at night. I don't ask much from you I just.."

God. That's it

" I just lost my job today, Peter. And yes you can stay, but know that we are under a tight budget here. Also, I don't want you to skip classes. If you're going to stay here then would you be willing to work a part time job for your own pocket money? I asked him.

He knew how much I hated him to skip classes. Our father may not care about his education, but I am so going to whoop his ass if he even dares to do it.

"I could do that. Thanks, duckface. I meant it."

"Now finish your meal."

***

It's 1 am in the morning now. I sit in front of a balcony, sitting in dim light as I think about my life. Peter has gone to sleep by now.

What shall I do with my life?

How am I suppose to put bread on the table?

Are we going to be homeless?

I sip my hot chocolate trying to calm myself down. That thought made me shiver.

I sat my back against the wall, hugging my knees, and gazing silently at the starry sky.

My heart trembles upon the thought.

God, if you exist out there, hear my prayers. Help.

"You okay, sis? "

I turned around, squinching my eyes to see in the dim light. Peter is coming out of the bathroom and walking straight to me.

He sits in front of me, holding my knees. "Diana? Hey, what's wrong?" he looked worried.

"Nothing – I'm afraid if I can't find money to put bread on the table and pay the rents. I'm out of a job now Pete, it's terrifying."

I tried to calm myself down, letting out another breath before trying to speak.

"And worst of all, I hated the fact that I'm going through this life without a clear sense of direction – I can't do engineering and while accounting is much easier, it's not my passion to begin with. What shall I do with my time on earth?"

"You sure look lost now, but I think you should give yourself some time. Finding one passion isn't an easy task but well, if you would have asked me, I'm sure you'll manage to pull out of this. I believe in you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Well, look at you. Even though our family is fucked up, you manage to endure and earn your degree for free. Life keeps throwing you lemons but you keep bouncing off. You're fucking amazing, sis. Just give some time and have faith in yourself" He said.

"Don't worry, we will find a way to finance ourselves. We've been through shits much scarier than this. The reason why I am here, after all we have gone through is that I looked up on you all this time. You made me not want to give up. "

The memory of sending Pete to the hospital after his attempt to kill himself sprang into my mind. I still remember that day vividly – it's the first day I was brought to my knees, praying to God the first time for his very life.

Peter endured it well too, and I am so glad he is alive today.

Now I felt like crying.

"Oh Pete. I hope we'll manage to pull out of this." Tears start to dwell in my eyes.

He kissed my forehead and hugged me. " Don't worry, sis. There's nothing to be scared of. We've been through pits of hell and crawled out alive. We can do this."