10 reasons not to die today

4.There is meaning behind every suffering

Chapter 4. There is meaning behind every suffering

Fri, 23th Oct 2015

7:30 pm

Yu Jin's apartment

Today I went to Yu Jin's place to check her out. Her voice was trembling - she didn't sounds very well on the telephone. And my god, her place was a big mess when I first entered. She was always messy but this time, it was messier than ever.

Empty pizza boxes and vodka bottles were everywhere. It was obvious that she couldn't take her recent breakup with Omar very well.

I always thought that interfaith dating was a foolish idea. After all Omar is a Pakistani Muslim and she is a Korean girl. Not trying to be racist here but there is a huge stake for that – turns out both of their families didn't approve the relationship.

And now Yu Jin was devastated beyond words. She took emergency leave and hadn't come out of her place for days, trying to drown her sadness with vodka and pills. I couldn't blame her totally – at 6'1" tall, with an athletic figure and a charming smile, Omar was impossible to resist.

They'd be perfect couple if not for the case of religion, in my opinion. The very essence of religion was to unite people, but history proves it to be otherwise. How much blood sheds and heart breaks because of this thing that we called faith?

She was still sleeping soundly at the couch, not even realizing when I entered her place. I was going to hang up my jacket at the wall mounted coat rack when I suddenly saw a book beside her - There is Meaning behind All Suffering. It was evident the break-up was killing her. The Yu Jin that I know isn't the type who reads.

I'm going to help clean her place first before she wake up later. Let's just hope she moves on pretty soon.

***

" Yu Jin, wake up! It's me – you okay?" I tapped gently on her knee.

She opened her eyes slightly, her forehead pinched in a troubled frown as she looked at me. Gosh, she looked like a drunk middle-aged man who hadn't been sober since the death of his wife.

"Uhm D, hey - what time did you get here?" She mumbles before letting out a large yawn. After stretching for a few minutes, she got up and sat properly at the left side of the couch.

"Around 8. You're okay, honey?" I asked as I sit beside her.

Sighing, Yu Jin turned her face to the empty wall. Tears started forming in her eyes. She looked back at me in silence for a few seconds before finally letting tears roll down her cheek.

Oh crap. She really is not okay.

"Oh honey..." I hugged her while letting her sob into my shoulder.

Her voice sounded like a thickening croak as her sobs grew louder. "I love him - I  don't wanna live without him."

"Shh.. don't say things like that"

"D, What have I done wrong to deserve this? Why does God makes my life miserable again, after He gave me reasons to smile?" She continued sobbing, asking me questions that only a God can answer.

"Shh.. You've done nothing wrong" I murmured, tenderly stroking her hair to calm her feelings.

"Oh honey..." I said, letting out a heavy sigh.

I wish I knew the answers to her questions.

I do. I really really do.

***

It's past twelve midnight and Yu Jin is already tucked in her own bed sleeping. I decided to stay at her place tonight – No one should be left alone on rough days like this.

My back is sore after cleaning nonstop for two hours. I collected all her pictures with Omar and hid them in a box behind a cupboard. She'll thank me later for helping her to move on.

I wasn't sleepy yet, so I grab her book and read it. There is Meaning behind All Suffering.The pain must be indescribable for her to start looking for this book.

The book was written by a theology professor at some well-known university, who wrote from the perspective of Islam. As a religion that was typically portrayed as inherently violence and outdated by western media, I was shocked to learn about Islam and the concept of human freedom.

It makes perfect sense to me that man is granted freedom for the purpose of being tested in this world. The birthright of a man is to use his free will, even if that means to disobey God.

I was surprised to learn that individuals of noble characters weren't produced in times of prosperity. Rather, they are born out of abnormal conditions, into a life marked with struggles and severe afflictions from the beginning. Ironically because of this thing that we called free will, utopian society remains a far-fetched dream. There would always be individuals, corporations or even nations who would create resistance and chaos, harming others as a part of their own survival strategy.

The unfavorable circumstances that surround our life are in fact acts as a training ground to produce souls of high moral standards and personal integrity. Those who are worthy of inhabiting heavens goes through great trial and tribulations, and endure it with great struggles.

So the utmost importance to God wasn't the creation of ideal society, but of the maintenance of human freedom. Hmm

It makes sense now that God does exist despite human suffering. The notion of "If the all powerful and loving God exists, why He allows so much evil and suffering" seems irrelevant to me now.

God intended us to choose between right and wrong. And so to hold mankind accountable for their actions, God created heaven and hellfire. Although man appeared to be free in this world, God has a complete records of each man's action throughout his life, which will be reopened on the Day of Judgment. There are no ways in which you can wiped cleaned of all your sins and started with a clean slate like politicians in this country do - Behave badly and you will be welcomed by blazing fire into eternal hellfire.

This concept is very beautiful to me, given that the purpose of religion is to formed and maintain human being of high caliber. However, being an atheist/agnostic, a small part of me wanted to see heaven for myself in order to believe it's true.

Given another thought, surely a supreme God that has created man, moon and the universe that can be sense through our five senses can also create the undetected world? For decades, scientists have failed to answer the question that revolves around God. The science field only covers physical world – anything beyond our senses can hardly be discussed within scientific realm.

What if we cannot see God, heaven and hellfire because of our human limitations? Was it fair for a blind man to say they aren't any rainbow out there just because he cannot see them for himself? If a nation of blind men claimed there were none, would that makes rainbows cease to exist?

Years ago I read about universalism - the concept that everyone will go to heaven. I rejected the belief a long time ago. If that were true, then why was Hell is created at the first place? For God's own amusement? Why bother to behave if just anybody is welcome to heaven? I might as well kill my psychotic boss now and wipe my hands free of sins. It doesn't make any sense to me, hardly at all.

I have never studied Islam in depth, and to be honest I was never interested in studying this religion either. Strangely enough I found myself agreeing with what I read. As cliché as this might sounds, there really is meaning behind every human suffering.

No, I shouldn't kill myself yet – i have a lot of unanswered questions in my head now.  Not until I'm satisfied with answers to questions I seek.