My Pitiful Life As An INTJ

The Humane Atychiphobia

Ah, and once more I return.

I simply return to an empty page in which I record my thoughts from the perspective of an INTJ.

How foolishly belligerent I am mentally.

Nonetheless, I've returned to discuss the most prevalent phobia of mine, which happens to be atychiphobia. 

I can hear the faint haughtiness of an individual's laughter.

Oh, you are unaware of atychiphobia? Allow me to elaborate.

Essentially it is the fear of failure. I'm quite sure that I have mentioned this previously, perhaps not, but nonetheless it perpetually holds the systematic key to the configurations of my cortex and brain alike.

A notable statement, which I proceed to reiterate is that intelligence is not merely what it is limited to today.

That, individuals refer to me as highly intelligent, despite the fact that I consistently disagree, solely based upon the fact that I do not find myself to be remotely intelligent.

Nonetheless, based upon others referring to me as this, there happens to be a lethargic and farcical standard in which one errors apparently discredits all previous acknowledgements of intelligence. 

This sadly obliterates me internally.

In school, I hardly raise my hand despite frequently having the answer. Being in advanced classes, the teacher often stares at me for quite some time, and my heart plummets. 

It dissipates.

My teachers commonly state: "Pssh, raise your hand, if you get it wrong so what? It's a learning experience!" 

Then they proceed to beam at the class. 

That's simply the issue.

It is not merely a "learning experience."

It is a gate for humiliation.

For honors language arts, my beloved teacher stated this when providing us a lecture on our behavior. That essentially we were highly intelligent, yet we were no where near as intelligent or superior as we think we are. This was directed towards specific students who had been excessively harassing those that were in "college preparation" or standard classes.

She stated: "Now a lot of you don't put in a sufficient amount of effort for honors students, and some of you are incredibly rude. When your fellow students get something wrong, you see it as an opportunity to pounce, and ridicule them for it."

That is precisely why I dread answering questions.

Others typically look to me for answers, but I provide them privately. As stated, the vast majority of the time I have the correct answers, yet there is always that minor pint of fear which was included in my concoction of bravery. That causes my hand to remain stiff on my lap, my heart to shrivel and pound, and for my face to become expressionless, yet filled with distress.

It is frequently stated that the very worst thing you could do to an INTJ, is insult their intelligence.

Agreed.

That happens to be the only thing that I will take to heart. Even mere jests such as "stupid." I despise that.

I realize that it may seem as though I am jesting, or am exaggerating.

I assure you that I am not.

Insults to my intelligence cause me to crumble. Sadly, I built my entire personality, my entire being, my life aspirations, on being highly intelligent, but also revolutionizing the way we as humans function and live. 

Yet, I pray consistently that I exert intelligence and utilize it.

I silently sob when I fail. 

Pitiful, I'm aware.

That's simply who I happen to be.

Today I found out that I was accepted to a special program for the high school that I will be attending.

I suppose that I will simply provide my current schedule:

Computer Science A

Freshman Seminar A

Honors Algebra Two

Honors Biology

Honors English Nine

Honors Modern World History

IT Essentials

Physical Education/Health Nine

Spanish Two Honors

That happens to be my schedule presently. I was recommend for every possible honors class, and I was accepted into an advanced program.

There is a complication sadly.

I was not selected into the program I requested for.

Yes, I know, I was fortunate enough to be selected, and I am immensely pleased and grateful for this opportunity.

Yet I was accepted into The Institute For The Humanities. Rather than The Institute For Mathematics and Science.

Apparently I was not a sufficient applicant, because I was not in honors mathematics the previous year, but that was due to me not having the applications sent to my home, and I was never informed afterwards. 

I was incredibly glum when I discovered this. I wish to be an astrophysicist, yet instead of being in a program for science, I am in one for history, language arts and the general arts. 

Well, if I'm successful as an astrophysicist, that will be an amusing tale. 

Nonetheless, thank you for bothering to read my tragic lifestory. 

Farewell then, that is it for now I suppose.