The Reason

Chapter Eight

After months of empty emotions and unanswered questions, the loneliness becomes unbearable. I've thrown myself headlong into work, but it's once I am home that the emptiness savagely hits me. The loneliness has now heavily replaced the hurt. The hurt is still there, it just sits dormant beneath my skin; there and always unseen. I hide so much behind a brief and broad smile. It convinces people on a daily basis that I am okay, that I am seemingly coping with the loss of my one true love. I honestly feel like such a fraud at times. That stupid smile of mine that I've become so expert at flashing to so many people, actually hides a multitude of hurts. I don't want to wear my pain like some silly badge of honour. I just answer in all of the right places, smile in all of the right places, and it somehow convinces people that all is right with me. Only, I'm not alright. I've tried going out and getting absolutely legless. I've tried filling my nights with an endless amount of things to do—none of it works.

Faith almost babysat me in the first few weeks after I left Rex at the hospital, but she's young, she has her own life to live. So out of everyone, she is the one who I have to try extra hard to convince, that I really am okay. She's vivacious, sociable and super confident. I don't want my sadness to drag her down as well. As for Angela, we are back on a far more even and professional keel. We have even gone out for drinks and dinner after work, but we never discuss Rex. He is a topic completely off limits. It's hard enough knowing that her husband is in no doubt in constant contact with him, especially following the shooting, but I have to stick to the ground rules in order to move forward in my life. No matter how many times that I want to ask how Rex is doing, I don't. For I know that if I do, I'll eventually crawl my hopeful way back to him, and start the pattern of excruciating pain all over again.

So when I get an out of the blue text from my ex, Adam, inviting me for dinner...I promptly accept.

**

As soon as Adam picks me up, a warm familiarity rushes through me. I know we will have a good time together, with endless laughs and comfortable conversation. Being with Adam was always so easy, and at a time when my loneliness is at an all-time low, I know he will be just what I need.

"Did I tell you already that you're looking very desirable in that baby pink dress?" Adam smirks over the rim of his wine glass, before taking a slow sip of his darkly fragrant Merlot.

I smile, lifting my glass of Pinot Grigio from off the candlelit table. "You have...twice." My smiling eyes look back at him, appreciating his much-needed attention.

Pushing his flirting to one side, he leans forward with deep affection nestled within his soft grey eyes. "I like this, being here with you." His gaze on me is steady and so very admiring.

My heart speeds up with his sweet compliment, so flattered by his enjoyment of being with me. "Me too." I find myself agreeing. I am happy to agree. Adam is wonderful in every way. His dirty blond hair is neatly gelled and he's wearing an informal charcoal suit, with a rebelliously loud purple shirt beneath the tailored jacket. He's gorgeous to be with and gorgeous to look at.

"Remind me again why we split up?" His eyes are narrowed in jest, but his voice carries an edge of seriousness to it.

I lightly shrug, not quite sure what reason I had originally given him. "I can't remember now." It's a small lie, a lie that he seems to know all too well.

Adam shakes his head, laughing softly. "Let me see if I've got this right. You said it was because you were too career orientated and that you couldn't give me what I wanted...am I right?" He cocks his head to the side, handsomely smirking across the table at me.