My Taboo Disease

3/29/17

I am so unbelievably excited to tell you all that I had the MOST incredible PT appointment yet. I moved up 2 dilators in one session and we are going to be able to attempt sex soon.

I know this is gonna sound totally weird...but the fact that I could get a dilator of a normal size in is like unreal. I've experienced so much pain and discomfort it felt like I was officially closed off, like my vagina would never be normal. So seeing that I could get the second to last dilator in with little discomfort was like unreal.

So like I said, my fiancé and I can attempt sex when I feel ready. That being said, I need to get in the right mindset. Dr. Sullivan said that it's normal if we don't succeed the first few times and not to freak out if we don't. Well as you guys know, I am really good at freaking out. I don't know if you remember but just a few weeks ago I had trouble dilating at home and uh...freaked the fuck out. So I need to get in the right mind set.

The other complicated part is I need to get on birth control (no babies for us yet...no matter how bad my baby fever is lol!). Dr. Goldstein (my specialist who performed the surgery in San Diego, CA told me absolutely NO hormonal birth control-I need an IUD. Dr. Sullivan said today absolutely NO IUD- I need to go on the pill. She says no IUD because it hurts going in which can trigger a traumatic vaginismus response, and she said that people with my condition can not have a foreign body in for a long period of time because it will trigger a response...Dr. Goldstein says no hormonal birth control because it can make women sensitive. I'm a little confused since we ruled out that it was 100% not a hormonal problem...so I don't think I would relapse...especially since you know, the vestibule was actually taken out.

So we have to figure that out.  I am very pro-birth control. As much as I trust my fiancé with condoms and all, I want to be in control as I'm sure you ladies understand.

So being a woman is hard. It's complicated and often uncomfortable. Being a woman with congenital neuroprolific provoked vestibuledaniya and secondary vaginismus...well that just makes it a party haha!

Even with this little problem I'm still psyched. It feels unreal that this surgery actually worked so well and I'm progressing so fast. I've been struggling with this for 11 years and BAM it's like all the sudden it's finally coming to an end. Wow what will I do with myself when I'm not freaking out about my vagina?! lol!

When I spoke to psychiatrists, I told them the only reason I was depressed was because of this. I told them if it got fixed I would no longer be depressed.

Unfortunately, that may be true if I had fixed this when I was 12 years old. Unfortunately I waited like 8 years and 11 years of depression has taken root in me. I'm a little put off that it hasn't just magically disappeared lol. Yesterday I got in a car accident that I caused...I felt (and still do) so incredibly guilty that this giant wave of depression fell over me and I lost it. I understand this isn't going to go away as I cure my vaginismus. It's  going to take a lot more time than that and while I'm working on it, wow I'm so confused haha. I really was like 100% convinced I wouldn't have this if I could just fix my disorder. It feels weird. I'm sure those of you who struggle with this understand what I'm going through and for that I am SO thankful.

I am SO thankful for all of the incredibly kind comments and messages I've received. Like wow you guys, you have kept me going! The fact that I can put this all out there and get nothing but support back from total strangers...wow. I promise I'll do another round of questions that you guys have messaged me, I just got busy and uh...lazy.

Anyhoo, thanks for reading, reach out to me if you feel inclined. I'll update you soon!

xoxoxoxoxoxo