As Long As We're Together

8: Selfish Thoughts

I felt like today was going to be a good day, I got to spend the night, high, with my favorite person ever. I know it seemed quick (by quick I mean less than 24hrs) but I feel like I could probably be over Jess. I don't know maybe I am still high from last night.

I mean that's what I was thinking until I saw Jess walking down the halls, time seemed to slow down as she looked at me. Her perfect brown skin seemed to glow golden and her curly hair seemed more beautiful now than ever.

She didn't even say anything just gave me this 'you f---ed up but I ain't even sad about it' look.

I wasn't sad either but I did feel like I lost a piece of me, I had been with her for 2 years. Knowing you aren't going to be with that person anymore after two years would be a shock to anyone.

***

Nathan trailed behind me as we went into class. I sat and stared blankly as the teacher started giving out a quiz that I hadn't studied for.

I just guessed on every question not really giving any of them much thought. That's how i've been dealing with life. Not giving anything too much thought.

"F--- this." I thought to myself as I handed in my somewhat completed paper. Once the bell rang the rest of the day seemed like a blur. I can barley recall what happened an hour ago.

"I want to talk to Jess." I said to Nathan as he just glanced at me with a look of somewhat approval.

"Ok, I'll meet you in the car then." Nathan agreed, "I need to get high."

"Aight save some for me" I said walking off trying to find Jess, thinking of what I would say to her. I wanted her back but I also kept saying to myself 'I am over her.' I don't know what I wanted in life, I just knew I needed Nathan at that moment. My breathes grew short and at my most vulnerable moment in that day I heard.

"You lookin' for me Nathan?" It was Jess, she must have saw my clueless, desperate face and knew what or who I was looking for, god I'm pathetic.

"Uh, yeah." I said awkwardly.

"Well I ain't got nothin' to say to you." She started to walk off and I ran after her.

"Jess wait!" I knew she wanted me to follow her, well that's what I thought. I followed her all the way to her car. As she finally turned around.

"F--- Off Ray!" She cursed slightly pushing me and then opening her door and then slamming it in my face.

"Don't get goddamn physical with me Jess!" I yelled more loud than I anticipated, I swung the door open looking her in the eyes.

"You cheated on me, and I can't forgive or forget that. EVER, RAY!"

"Baby." I said reaching my hand out to caress her face.

"Don't touch me!" She yelled cursing at me, she always did have such a way with words.

"Let's just talk!" I said running around to the passenger side of the car. I opened as fast as I could so she couldn't lock it and got in. "Let's just go somewhere and talk. That's all I want to do!"

I wanted her back for all the wrong selfish reasons. Not because I hurt her or actually loved her. I loved the feeling of, pretty much everyone, liking me. It was weird and uncomfortable for someone to hate me. I knew it was selfish and wrong, but it's how I felt. I wanted her because it made me feel uncomfortable without her.

"Fine." She said at last closing her door and, angrily, revving off.

We sat in silence the whole ride, she needed to calm down before we talked or she would definitely get even more physical with me.

She's hit me before, not really beaten me up because frankly I think she could. She's just slapped me a few times and maybe I deserved it.

She clenched the steering wheel tightly and gritted her teeth. We finally pulled into a some what, empty McDonald's parking lot.

I waited till she did her little sigh she does when she was ready to talk.

"Well you wanted to talk." She sighed again. "Let's talk."

"Ok, I'm sorry." I grabbed her hand as she tried to pull away but I pulled it back. "I'm sorry for everything! I'm sorry about what I did with Kelsey, it was stupid! You're a goddess compared to that ugly bitch. I just want you to forgive me, even if we don't get back together. Please babe, I don't know if I could live without you!"

"Damn it Ray, you have no idea how much you hurt me! How could you, why did you?"

"I;m so sorry! Babe, I was almost unconscious, that bitch Kelsey pretty much forced herself onto me I was so faded! I'm sorry" I said crying, kissing her slender hand. I knew she would fall for the tears, seeing a man cry makes them look very sincere and vulnerable. Plus I've learned to cry on demand with all the crying I've done throughout the years. I guess she thought I was sorry. She thinks I was sorry for the reason I said. Not for the real reason.

She pulled her hand away then lightly wiped the tears from my eyes.

"You stupid, but I love you." She lightly slapped my cheek sort of playfully. "Stupid."

I leaned to kiss her but she grabbed the collar of my shirt and stared me dead in the eyes.

"If you ever cheat on me again, I swear to god, I will cut you into pieces as your entire family watches." She then pulled me in by my shirt and kissed me.

I knew she wasn't lying.