Reflection of Perfection | NaNoWriMo 2016 ( severe editing)

3 1 : d e s p a i r · a n d · h o p e

Ella: 

I must've sat there, on my bed, the entire night. My maids bustled into my room at first light and was surprised to see the tear stains, the makeup smudges, but made no comment.

So James, he was gone. Had Evelyn gotten there in time to explain my actions? Had he loved me, or hated me, with his dying breath? 

I sat in my bed, unmoving, uncaring, ignoring my maids urges to get me up. Time flew by, and a day must've pasted by. I only got out of bed to use the bathroom, and that was it. My maids gave up around dinnertime and left with the sound of tisking and sighs, like I was a child throwing a tantrum.

Just as dawn approached, a light knock sounded from behind the bedroom door. I stayed silent, still as a rock, as the door clicked open. "Ella." 

I turned my gaze upon my husband, standing at the doorway with a look of helplessness on his face. Then, I looked away, at the uselessly bright painting of a High Queen in the garden, so uselessly perfect. 

The bed dipped as Raymond took a seat silently next to me. We sat in silence, starring at the portrait of a dead woman for a while before Raymond asked quietly, "Why?" 

Why. 

I studied the Queen in the painting, her right hand bent like she was weighing something, only clenched in that palm was a fistful of jewelry. Her left hand clenched a book on to her stomach. The Queen didn't smile, even as the sun burned brightly behind her, even as her children ran about in the garden. Was this the life I was doomed to have? Would I ever find happiness without James?

"Please," Raymond whispered, his voice cracking, "talk to me." I turned my unflinching, remorseless face to him, "Why do you care," I asked coldly, my voice hoarse from disuse, "so you can feel better about yourself?" 

Raymond's eyes turned pleading, "Let me help you. You are my wife, Ella. I don't want you to be unhappy in our marriage." 

I stood up, curling my upper lip, "Too late for that, isn't it? You. You didn't even bother seeing if I were happy before you said we were going to get married. The worse part? I couldn't even say no," I raged quietly, "All through our 'marriage', never once have you asked for my consent, never asked if I was alright, you didn't care, so as long as your ego was satisfied, so as long as you were okay."

Raymond opened his mouth to protest but I didn't give him that time, "And if you did give a damn about me, you would've noticed that I love Evelyn. She is my best friend, and now, she's going to die because of you. The only person alive to give a damn about me, and you're going to take that away. Yes, you definitely deserve the 'Husband of the Year' award this time, Prince," I snarled. 

He sank, deflated, and gave me a look full of sorrow, "Please, Ella, let me explain." I said nothing, keeping my face blank, and my gaze on the painting. 

So, Raymond began. 

"You'll never understand how being the heir of the Summer Realm will feel like, and I hope you never will. All through my life, that is what my father saw in me. I would continue his legacy, I would conquer the world. But, I was a failure. I skipped so much training classes to read or study that my father, he, well, he whipped me, told me I was a failure."

Somewhere, deep down, my heart broke a little more, but still, I said nothing. 

"The High King, well, he wanted me to be bred a warrior. But I was just decent at swordplay, could barely fight in armor without toppling over. I was more interested in strategizing and learning more about the geography of our lands. As you might have expected, Father did not take it well. The mercy of my abuse was my mother- she shielded me and taught me to love myself the way I was, taught me to build a false bravado." 

Still, I kept quiet, if only it were to keep me from automatically comforting him.

"Then, Mom died, giving birth to Milos. And I think, despite his flaws, my father truly loved my mother, even though they were completely different people. Then, with nothing more to shield me from his wraith, my father beat me bloody when I refused to follow his ways. Raising Milos without the influence of my kind, gentle mother, my father finally had the son he wanted. There was a problem with Milos... he was a good solider, but had no interest in studying and thus, was a terrible strategist."

He laughed bitterly, "And then, we both became disappointments. I could never live up to my father's expectations, no matter how many times I trained, and Milos could never live up to Father's expectations either." His tone turned bitter but sad when he muttered, "He beat us violently, sometimes marring us permanently, sometimes beating us together. So, we decided to become allies."

"Father never noticed, I think, but every other day, at night in the courtyards, Milos trained me vigorously, pushing me past my boundaries before he allowed me to rest. And the days in between, I drilled my brother in key facts on strategizing and tutored him in a multitude of subjects in the Royal Library. You know, we bonded over this, him and I, and began to see ourselves as not only trustworthy allies, but brothers."

I was so broken inside I only replied coldly with a "So?" 

Raymond just looked at me, "Please, Ella. Give me a chance to change. Let me be a better man then my father was. Let me help you before you waste away. There is so much more to live for." 

I let a low chuckle, "You want to help me?" Then shook my head with a cruel smile, "You want to help me. If you want to help me, bring my James back to life," My voice cracked at the end of the sentence and the waterworks were on again, full force. But I didn't try stopping the tears, I let myself cry as I sat as still as a rock. And this time it was Raymond who listened when I told him why. 

"Have you ever loved someone so much you'd give anything for them? James was my everything. The outcast and the spoiled brat fell in love, and just when they thought they could have their happy ending, reality came crashing down and the outcast died, leaving the brat to roam the world alone and forlorn, forever." 

Raymond touched my hand gently, "Heartbreak will come and go, like waves. Nothing is permanent, not even heartbreak." His words stirred something in me- an eagerness to live, and I smiled just a bit at him. But that was enough for me to stop moping around. 

And thus, we began the day with hope.