that thing called cancer · phan

eight

"i want to be healthy," dan said.

"i know," phil said, brushing through dan's hair with his fingers, "we'll get it taken care of."

phil lifted his hand to brush through dan's hair again, but hair came with phil's fingers. phil gasped. the amount of hair that had fallen out wasn't too out of the ordinary, but it still wasn't a good sign.

"what happened?" dan said as a response to phil's fast inhalation of air. he moved from his laying position so that he was sitting up, and he noticed the small clump of his own hair in phil's hand, "d-did... is that m-mine?"

phil's face was stuck in that shocked expression. his face was more pale than usual and his mouth was agape. his eyes were wide and his vision blurred.

"phil?" dan said, "earth to phiiil," he sat up even further so that he was sitting on his knees. dan shook phil gently back and forth because of his extreme still state, "phil!"

it was then when phil shook his head and fell out of his trance. he held his palm to his forehead and closed his eyes for a short second. he soon opened his other hand that still had dan's hair in it. phil suddenly realized how extremely serious dan's case was. he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes.

"dan," phil said, fighting back tears, his voice wavering, "oh my god, dan, i... i don't want you to die."

he finally began to cry and dan lay his head on phil's chest, eyes closed in fear of tears falling out if he opened them.

dan wrapped his arms around phil's waist as he sobbed. phil covered his face.

"i don't want to die either," dan said, his eyes still closed. despite this, a few cold tears rolled down his cheeks.

"i love you so much," phil sobbed, "i don't want to lose you."

"i love you, too," dan said, "but let's just focus on the time we do get to spend with each other, and not focus on whether or not i live or die."

"i want to have faith in the treatments, dan, and in you, i just... don't, at least not completely," phil said, "but you're right. i'm so grateful to have you next to me right now, but if you die, i don't know how i'm going to cope with it. i'm never going to find someone like you again, and frankly i don't want to. i don't want to replace you. i want you and i to be together until we're grey and old, but i just don't know how possible that is."

"shh," dan said, "it'll be alright."

"why are you the one comforting me?" phil suddenly asked, uncovering his face and pushing his fringe back, "shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"we've already gone through this, phil," dan said, "this is a difficult time for all of us, we all need comfort."

"have i ever told you how much i love you?" phil asked.

"i think so, a few times," dan said with a small giggle, "i love you, too, you goofball."

"yay," phil said, squishing dan's cheeks with his hands.

"but anyway, about my hair falling out, we should probably tell mum," dan sighed, "this is getting worse and worse everyday..."

"i know," phil said, taking dan's hand and kissing the back of it, "well once we get you to more therapies and stuff, and after surgery, it should be alright. besides, when is your surgery?"

"in a month or two," dan said, "i'm nervous, but i mean it has to happen if i want to have a chance to live."

"yeah," phil said, "it's okay to be nervous, i'm nervous, too."