that thing called cancer · phan

ten

*this chapter includes the surgery as well as anesthesia awareness (aka, when the anesthesia they give you in surgery doesn't work properly, leaving you paralyzed but feeling every incision). for more info, watch shane dawson's video listed above*

why can i hear? aren't i supposed to be under anesthesia right now?

the doctors are talking to each other, why do i know that? why am i awake?

i know my surgery is under way, i can feel and hear, but why?

i'm awake!! please, don't - ow! stop! dan tried to say, but he was paralyzed. the anesthesia wasn't properly working.

i can feel everything, this hurts so fucking bad, please stop! dan wanted to shout, but he couldn't make any noise. he couldn't even open his eyes, but even if he could, they were taped shut.

he wanted to scream. this made him want to die. he couldn't even cry. he was so shocked that this was even happening. he didn't know it even could happen.

what felt like hours later, he felt as they cut into his lung. they would remove the entire lobe that had the tumor. dan remembered that when the doctor was telling him and his parents at an appointment a few days before this.

dan could barely think about anything except for the excruciating pain he felt in his chest. he didn't know how he would make it out of this alive. it felt like torture. it felt like it had been hours since he'd been with phil and his parents. he missed phil, he needed him, especially at this moment.

no, he didn't need phil. he needed to die. he wanted this to end. it hurt too much. the pain was agonizing.

the pain continued for what felt like forever, then dan felt them take out the cancerous lobe from his lung and he felt them place other organs back to their original place from where they had been moved.

but the pain continued. he felt them sew his skin back in place with stitches. he felt like throwing up when they were done.

he felt the soreness of his body which was almost as bad as the surgery as they moved him to a normal hospital room.

he stayed there in his hospital bed all by himself for hours.

-----

the second dan woke up completely, he screamed. he was instantly sobbing and he still felt extremely uncomfortable. a few seconds after his scream ended, a nurse rushed in, "you're awake! are you alright?"

"no," dan sobbed, "i felt the surgery, i felt everything."

"that's crazy! you were under anesthetics," she said, "that's impossible. i'll fetch your doctor."

dan continued sobbing until his regular doctor, and the main surgeon, walked in with a clipboard, the same nurse behind him.

"it's good to see you awake, dan," doctor altman said, "it looks like your heart rate is normal, good, good," he wrote something on the paper on his clipboard.

"i-i," dan said weakly, causing doctor altman to look at him.

"yes?" he asked politely.

"i-nevermind..." dan responded, "i'm just really sore."

"that's completely normal, dan. sara, please get an ice pack for dan and bring it back," he instructed to the nurse.