ashukanunah

rant eleven ♚ sick

This was going to be about cliche's but I have no motivation to write the billions of cliche's so it's going to be a long rant full of me talking about myself. Feel free to skip over it, I don't really care but it'd be nice if you read it <3

So some of you who read this know me (kind of well kind of not at all). I'm going to spend most of this chapter complaining shamelessly about a few of my issues that I have going on.

Some of you may even have heard me say I'm sick lately or that I'm going on hiatus or whatever.

Well sevy here is sick, she's very sick.

I don't have cancer or anything but I consider what I have pretty bad. I know there are people worse off than me, but for a while now things haven't been that good.

I guarantee everyone knows the word depression.

That's what your lovely sevy has.

Most people over use that word and have ONE bad day and self-diagnose themselves with depression.

I am 99% sure I have it, I've been offered medication for it by my doctor but I refuse because I'd rather suffer. If any of you out there have been offered anti-depressants, you're better off without them.

I also have something called, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome --

or POTS for short.

I encourage you all to watch some vids on youtube about it from the people who have it, or just search it up on google.

It's basically when you've got depression and the depression affects you kind of. It's a bloody pain in the ass.

You can die from it if you let it get worse enough.

I've actually been to the hospital because of it. In which I passed out in the shower and hit my head and got a concussion. I have orthostatic hypotension (low blood pressure) which makes me pass out if I don't exercise/eat salt enough.

POTS in general;

Every time I sit up/stand up/get up, I get dizzy and blood rushes to my head and it's horrible because I go blind for like 5 or more seconds and I can't see if I'm trying to walk and I look like I'm drunk.

I also feel sick to my stomach a lot or nauseous.

A lot of people have probably never even heard of it and so here I am informing you more.

It also affects your sleep. My current sleep schedule is I wake up at around 5pm and I stay up till around 11am.

Other things that cause it is stress & anxiety.

Those two a long with depression are my worst enemies.

I probably stress out more than a regular person should and it's i can't even. it's THAT bad.

I'm constantly thinking that it makes me sick sometimes.

So when I say I'm sick, it means I'm stressing, I'm very depressed, I either don't want to be bothered or I want to be comforted.

And because of this, I can't sleep or sometimes I sleep and don't get out of bed for long periods of time.

Back to depression,

I have depression because I've been through series of trauma that no person should have to go through. And if I know you well enough maybe some day I'll tell you but I don't want any I'M SORRY POOR YOU WOW YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT, YOU'LL GET THROUGH IT. because I won't. I'll never forget what's happened, I'll never fully get over any of it.

If people ever tell you when you've recently been dumped by a guy or a girl, that you said you loved, that you'll move on -- you won't ever. You'll see something that will remind you of that person, or in my case that person will randomly keep entering and leaving your life, and all the feelings will come back. I see Henry or Etienne's face and it all comes back.

(he's partly why I have depression but not the main reason because that'd be pathetic and petty, i'd say he just triggers it a lot now)

Etienne and Henry are the same person, you'll see their names in quite a few of my stories. Though neither are his actual name because I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'll also talk about him a lot because no one else likes to listen when I talk to them privately. They say all the things I DONT want to hear.

And a lot of people actually got sick of me talking about him so I just let some of it out here. TOO BAD IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR, FUCK YOU.

Anyways as I was saying, I see his face sometimes and here's what happens.

I start getting that lump in my throat and the back of my throat hurts and I'll start to cry but I TRY not to because I hate crying. I feel so pathetic when I cry over a boy.

I'll shake and shiver like my whole body is having compulsions.

Once, they didn't stop for hours and ours to the point I couldn't even control it or move, I just shook.

The worst feeling is not being able to have control over your own body.

Each time before I go to sleep I see his face in my head. It sucks because I just HURT for him. I so badly just want to be his and he can be mine and we could be each others again and everything would be okay.

But of course that's not how things work.

My depression isn't a constant thing. Like I said earlier, it's triggered.

ANYTHING can trigger it. My bed could trigger it, Henry, an animal, a certain food, a tv show, anything.

There was a time when I couldn't sleep in my own bed because I was so paranoid. I didn't get any sleep for a whole week. That was the third worst week of my life.

But yeah, depressions not cool, you don't want it TRUST ME. I think it's funny how a lot of you expect me to be happy because I act happy. I've been acting 'fine' or 'happy' for years and years. Deep down I feel numb and dying-y inside. I feel that maybe if I continue to act happy I'll eventually convince myself that I am. But of course Henry ruins that constantly.

The simple solution would be to rid of him totally, but you have to understand I've never loved someone as much as Henry. Ever. Maybe in the first grade, when I met another boy, but other than that, no.

And there's no way I'd be able to handle exiling myself from him.

I can barely handle him leaving me for a day.

I know it makes me sound sooooo desperate but if yall were in my position and knew the whole story, you'd understand better.

And yes I have lasted a total of a little over two months without speaking with him this year, but that was hell. And he was back, but now I think he's stopped talking to me again and I originally started getting depression because being separated from him for that long was starting to take a serious toll. Then he started texting me again and that's when I really just went down hill and he hasn't spoke to me for a little over two days now besides the ONE snapchat he sent me after I sent him like 5.

When people say someones going to be the death of him; Henry will literally be the death of me.

If I ever die, you can count on it being because of him.

I try to be strong and fight it, but sometimes I just can't be strong.

So yeah, comment/like/vote/message me or whatever, just know just because I'm sick I don't want to be treated like a baby or get massive amounts of attention. I just need people who are there if I need it, ja feel?