ashukanunah

rant thirty-four ♚ jealousy

I haven't written in so long and I feel like no one reads this anymore but for the sake of ranting and the new year I decided, why the heck not??

So here is the exact definition of the word jealousy/jealous from dictionary.com (a reliable source as far as you're all concerned) before I begin because I feel as if some people just throw that word around like a boomerang.

1. resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

Okay, in my very short amount of years I've been on this thing we call planet Earth, I've had 'you're being jealous' thrown at me plenty of times. And I'm sure many of you have been called jealous as well. 

Like for example, this guy I know has a girlfriend or even just a friend that is a girl. "Oh you're just jealous of her!" Um, guess fucking what home skillet??! In no way do I want to be her. Are you freaking insane? What makes you think I would want to be her??? I am my own person and in no way do I care about her. And in no way would I want her looks, her life, nothing. She is absolutely irrelevant, she is literally a waste of a presence to me. Just because I have no reason at all for not liking or caring or wanting to be her does not mean I am jealous of her. It has nothing to do with jealousy. Is it fun to throw that word around or something? Like if I call you jealous right now of me not being jealous will I begin to roll on the floor and laugh?

I absolutely hate it when people call me something or say something without knowing it's meaning. Honestly it makes them look frickin stupid af, but then they go on and make you look bad as if you literally don't know the meaning of it and they do.  

I don't believe I've ever told someone that they're jealous of me. Not even someone I hated because I would never wish for someone to go through what I've been through. It's unfathomable and it's psychotic to wish you are someone else literally. (i do not mean jokingly as like "oh i wish i was beyonce, she has billions of dollars and a swaggy husband and child, she is even absolutely gorg and i envy her completely and she's just so nice") 

Jealousy is not the right word for a few times a girl has not liked me and not told me their reasons. For instance I have this one very good friend (despite our frequent downs & ups) and it's a guy that I've known since I was two years old. I move to different towns/cities a lot and therefore we have not always been as close as we should be. So in the times that I haven't been around he acquired this friend whom is a girl. (NO IM NOT JEALOUS OF HER LMFAO GTHO) I s2g she probably thinks I am too but I'm not. My friend and the girl became pretty close to the point where she had him wrapped around his finger. For those of you who don't know what that means, he was like her lil bitch/puppet. She never liked me, and I never really fit in with her friends. Me and her have never even talked to eachother as far as I know.

I always get this really bad vibe from her. "you're just jealous of her" No, just because she's a girl and friends with my best friend, does not mean I'm jealous. I legitimately get a bad vibe from her and literally the last time I saw her she was giving me the stinkeye because I interrupted whatever she had plans for with my friend. (simply because I wanted to say hi to him and let him know I was there at school since I had recenty moved back to his town) Not only is she a wannabe as heck and her sister is better at being popular without trying vs her, but the amount of makeup this girl cakes onto her face is insane. Yes sometimes I will put on a good amount of makeup because I hate being around people with acne on my face and I'm insecure about it but when my acne isn't bad I at least put on my eye makeup. (I can't go out anywhere without it, it makes me feel better and awake and no one can judge me for it because I'm happy with it on and it feels like I'm not me without it.) However this girl goes the whole nine yards, contours, thick concealer/foundation, eyebrow pencil too on fleek, red lipstick even sometimes. She tries to be hipster so hard it's hilarious.

Not once have I thought to myself that I wanted to be her or even be like her. Not even to be in her position with the friend wrapped around my finger. Everything happens for a reason and there's a reason why I'm not her or in her position. Sure I'd love to let the guy in on my life and I'd love to know what's going on in that walled up brain of his but if he doesn't want that then I'm not going to be jealous of her for it or wish I was her. 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the girl, I wouldn't even mind being her friend but like I said before, I just don't "fit in" with her or her crowd of people. Infact I'd rather be her friend than have her squint her eye's at me and look at me like I committed a crime. 

But on the other hand I shouldn't have to have a reason to hate someone even if I did hate them. It shouldn't be classified as being jealous. There's just clearly something about that person that completely throws me off. (Though this doesn't apply to me, because I always have a reason to get mad, or hate someone)

And maybe there's a guy I have a crush on, and he has a girlfriend, and I start asking about 'said' girlfriend. Is it a crime for me to be curious? like tbh idgaf if he has a gf or nah, he's already mine like u aint even got a chance, nothing stands in the way of something i want, not even weapons ok. 1v1 me i dare u, i will whip out my uzi on u. nuff said.

Anyway, next chap will be about people who try to mess with me, for those of you who actually still look at the crap I attempt to produce?? Also considering cleaning the book up a bit spelling/grammar wise because idk even though it's my personality I feel so unprofessional when I go back through and read everything. What do you guys think??