Destiel Oneshots

confession

Hey guys. I have to tell you something. well a few things. I've been having a hard time recently with well, everything. I've recently watched Shane Dawson's (love him) video where he talks a lot about how he feels insecure about his body. I feel like I just wanted to vent and who better to? I know like maybe 10 people at most will read this and less will care. And that's fine. I don't expect anyone to care actually. I know my writing doesn't suck as much as I probably think it does. I've been praised for it at school. But I read real stories and well mine are shit compared to those. But I keep doing it because I love writing. I'm getting off topic, anyway in Shane's video he talked about how about the same time each year he just feels fat and gross. And he's not, but I understand how he feels. I feel fucking disgusting 24/7. And i hate myself. I really do. I don't see any redeeming qualities. Like, I make jokes and people laugh but I'm also the most awkward person and I say the wrong things at the wrong time and I come off like a total bitch. I don't have any talents unless fucking up is one. I get stuck on little things that happen and i just keep thinking about that one little thing someone said to me or I said for the whole fucking day it's ridiculous. I feel like when someone's mad at me or I get a bad grade it's the end of the freaking world or something and my heart races like crazy and my knees practically give out. Oh and I cut. Which makes me weak because I can't handle my fucking problems. Which aren't nearly as bad as other people's and children are starving in Africa so what gives me the right to feel this way when I have a pretty good life. I have fucking such low self esteem. And when someone comments or likes my fic it's just the greatest feeling in the world. Like suddenly it doesn't matter that I hate my writing because someone doesn't. And of course I'm not saying like my stuff or I'm gonna commit suicide or something like that. I haven't told my parents about this stuff. I don't wanna burden them some more. But Misha Collins helps, a lot. He's such a good fucking person and I love him so much. And my parents don't get that. They make jokes about how it's weird or stupid that he's so important to me when I haven't even met the guy. And that hurts a fucking lot. Alright. I know I'm probably exaggerating and it's not as bad as it seems. But I just thought I'd put this out there. Because this is a safe space. And I know I haven't been updating recently. I've kinda lost the will to I guess. But I love writing one shots so I'll continue with these. Basically what I'm saying is, I'm sad. And that's okay. Because as you get older, your tolerance for bullshit gets higher. Love you guys, always keep fighting.

- Ely