Stormy »zjm«

Chapter Eight

He didn't talk to me.

He didn't look at me.

He didn't notice me.

He didn't honestly care.

He wasn't anything special.

He wasn't what I thought he would be.

He wasn't the person I expected him to be in my life.

My grandparents only stayed for the weekend and left on late sunday evening again.

My emotional state got back to the way it was five months ago. I didn't want that to happen, it just did without my permission.

Five months ago, that was the time I wasn't all to shocked about my incident with Jonah anymore. That was the time where my life hit it's personal plot-twist. That was the time I began feeling disappointed in no one but myself. The time I blamed no one but myself. The time I thought about no one but myself.

I began feeling sad. And empty. And lonly. And helpless. And weak. And dumb. And wrong. And dirty. And even a bit angry.

I lost interest in everything I once enjoyed to do. I didn't do my daily jogging routine I usually did every evening before I went to bed anymore. I didn't go on long walks anymore. I didn't go to my long walks I always did every saturday morning before anyone in the house was awake. I stopped playing the piano everyday because I just couldn't concentrate.

I got the habit of very weird sleeping hours, I either slept way to long or way to short and got nightmares frequently.

Another thing was that I lost everyone. Like not litterly but emotionally. I couldn't build up trust to anyone.

Also I stopped feeling after a week or two. I shut out every possible emotion that tried to ring their way through to my soul and brain and heart.

I just didn't care anymore. Or better said, I wanted to stop caring. I thought this would erase and delete my memories.

But the more I isolated myself and the more I was alone, the more time I got for thinking. And everytime I got lost in thought I feel back deeper and deeper into my whole.

I was depressed.

But I didn't know I was back then. I didn't know what depression was, too young and innocent to care about this stuff before.

Innocent.

"Little Miss Innocent Nerd Virgin Not Giving A Damn What Other People Do Because I'm Too Well Behaved"

Was I still innocent?

I mean innocent in the way Jonah meant it, I sure was. But my mind, myself, my emotions. I wasn't exactly innocent anymore. Not in an emotional way.

On wednesday afternoon, it was around 17 pm, someone knocked on my bedroom door.

"Come in", I called out quietly and the door opened revealing my mum with the telephone in her hand and the door-handle in the other.

"Dear, Mrs Tempest called, telling me it's been quite a long while since your last appointment. She said she worried and wanted to check if everything was alright with you. I said you're doing okay. Rain, why weren't you going anymore?", she asked me before she closed the door softly, walked up to my bed and took a seat on the end of it, where my feet layed.

"I didn't like it. She was weird, mum.", I answered her honestly.

She sighed.

"Dear, Mrs Tempest only wants to-"