A Muslim's Romantic Journey

Chapter 30.

Safia’s POV

As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted it. I wanted to take them back, un-say them. But I couldn't, there was no going back. The disbelief and pain on Yusuf's face showed the damage was done. 

I wanted to say something but words wouldn't form. I was frozen from the shock at my own behaviour. Never had I ever thought I would be able to say anything like that to anyone, least of all to Yusuf. It was only after Yusuf left that I managed to whisper,

"I'm sorry." A fresh set of tears fell from my eyes. 

 Go home.

The words swirled in my mind. Did he really want me to go? Of course he did. After what I said, why would he even want me to stay? Even if he didn't mean it then, he probably did now. How could I be so stupid? How could I have said that about his arthritis? I put my pillow into my lap and sobbed into it.

"I heard it all." Maryam said coming into the room. I looked up from my pillow to see her wiping away a tear.

"I didn't mean it."

"How could you say that to him? You know how he feels about his ankle… And mum."

"I didn't mean any of it. I was angry."

"I don't know if he'll believe you. You mentioned the two things he's most paranoid about." Maryam was right. I knew that. 

"What can I do?" I asked in a pleading tone.

"Go home I guess." I didn't expect Maryam to say that. Weren't they all saying this was now my home? I'd been trying so hard to adjust, but now both she and Yusuf so easily made me feel like I wasn't part of this household. They told me I was family but now they spoke like I was an 'other.' My guilt ridden heart was tearing further. "Yusuf needs some time. Maybe its best you leave him for a little while." Maryam said this like she was helping me. But when I looked into her eyes, there was no warmth or sympathy. There was no emotion at all. I not only ruined my relationship with Yusuf, but with Maryam too. I felt a sick knot in my stomach.

"Did he mean it?" I asked, hoping that she'd comfort me. "Does he really want me to go?" I became very afraid.

"I don't know. But I think you should go before he comes back." Maryam wanted me gone as soon as possible. Yusuf probably wanted the same. I dragged myself off the bed and fell to my knees to pull the suitcase out from under the bed. Maryam left the room and I let myself cry some more until I was too drained to cry any further. Then I filled the suitcase with a few clothes. I didn't know how long I would be at my parents’ house. What if Yusuf never wanted me back? The thought was too painful so I shut my eyes, trying to think of something else. 

I had closed the suitcase and took a few deep breaths before looking at the mirror to fix my hijab. I stared at the reflection. My eyes were red and puffy with dark circles under them. If I went home like this, everyone would ask me what was wrong. I don't think I had enough strength to repeat what had happened. I went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water.

Then I put some kohl (powdery eyeliner) on to make myself look less dreadful. I had to go home and pretend everything was fine.

I dragged the suitcase down the stairs. I could hear Yusuf's mum in the living room saying,

"I knew this was going to happen. Didn't I tell Yusuf she wouldn't be able to keep him happy? What was he thinking? At least have a nice personality if not a nice face. She doesn't have either." Although she shouldn't have been talking about me in my absence, she was right. And did I not talk about her in such a bad manner in her absence? I walked out of the house feeling miserable and broken. I deserved every bit of this.