Chasing Change

What do You Want (Marcus)

I wake up on this cloudy Saturday morning and I feel electric. I have this though in my head that i can do anything and accomplish all features and goals. I have to release some of this spark and not let it go to waste. I shower and get dressed, then I go to the kitchen and make some food. 10 stripes of bacon, 4 eggs, 3 pancakes, 6 sausage links, and a tall glass of water. I usually make a simple bowl of cereal and get a cup or ten of Jack Daniels, but Jack ain't here at the moment.

I go in my living room and sit there watching TV as I feel the currents that was in me earlier disappear. I wasted it. My mood begins heading south for the day. Maybe i can do something else to feel better. I turn on my Xbox and play Gears of War 4. I'm really good at this game because i tend to play this to make me feel better. But this time it isn't working. My happy activity isn't making me happy, what do I do?

This depressed state isn't like my other usual depressed state, its deeper and darker. I think violent thoughts of people who might have wronged me or done something I don't like years age. Why am I thinking about shit that happened in high school ? I think about the things i could have done in my life and the people I could've made relationships with. I think about what I'm doing now while other people are enjoying their day doing what they love. As my mind is thinking about all this, my mood switches to livid. I'm angry not at the people who wronged me, not at the time I wasted, not at the friends or family who didn't really care about me. I'm mad at myself! I'm mad at myself because I allowed it all to happen, I wasn't strong enough to want to defend myself, I wasn't brave enough to handle problems, I didn't believe in myself to go after what I wanted. I hate myself now more than ever.

I got to get out of this state of mind, I got to change my environment. I decide to go for a walk in central park at 8:02 p.m. Just to clear my head and figure some things out. I get dressed and head out the door.

As I walk 6 blocks to the park, the outside changes. I was walking with gigantic groups of people on all sides, Some residents, some workers, some tourist. When I enter the park there's significantly less people and more trees and plants. The winds blow a cool breeze from the ponds, the trees are tall and comforting, the sky is dark and the stars shine upon me. Squirrels are lurking looking for food but trying to avoid conflict with humans. Nature is just so peaceful and I wish I had someone to share this moment with.

I'm relaxed now, calmed from the negative thoughts. But I don't want those thoughts to come back so I decide that I'm going to read book and watch videos on how to better myself. It's 9:54 p.m. I should head back now.

As I start to walk I see someone throwing stones in the pond. It's a woman. As I stand there and look for another few seconds she turns her ahead and sees me. I don't turn away this time. She shoots me a quick little smile and I return one back. She looks familiar, like I've seen her before then i remember that's the drunk girl who I bumped into last week.

"Want to join me and throw rocks" she says

"Sure, but I'm not good at skipping them across the water"

"You don't have to be good, you just have to enjoy the experience"

I walk over there and take the rocks she is handing me. "You probably don't remember seeing me last week" I start off saying as i throw my first rock that hit the water and instantly sinks to the bottom.

"I saw you last week? I don't remember, where was it at?" she replies

"I was walking down the street and you was drunk and we bumped into one another"

"Oh man, that sounds like the worst first impression I can make on someone" she jokingly says. She tosses another rock that skips more than half way across the pond.

"It wasn't that bad, it was a brief encounter" I thrown another rock and get the same results.

"So do you come to the park at night just to creep on women?" She sarcastically asks. She tosses another rock and it skips half way across the pond. She's done this plenty of time before.

"What? No! I was just walking clearing my head" I said in a raised voice. I toss my third rock and this rock does the exact same as the first 2.

"Calm down, i was just joking. You need to get a better sense of humor" She throws another rock and this one goes halfway and makes a looks like it splits the water in two.

I don't say anything. How does she know I don't have a sense of humor? I'm funny, I know I'm funny.

"So you said you was out here clearing your mind right. What was you clearing your mind of?" she says to me as she skips a rock that glides in the water like a lizard's on ice.

"Just some things that's going on in my life. I wasn't having a good day so i thought a walk would make me feel better" I bend down to pick up another rock and this one feels slightly lighter than the others.

"Some things? What are those things? And What happened to make today a bad day?" she tosses another stone and it splashes water on my shoes.

She wants me to open up to her, let her in my head. I won't do it. "You know just some work stuff and family things" I say trying to be as vaguely as possible.

She chuckles "So you don't want me knowing what's going on in your life? It's okay because everyone goes through a hard time in their life. But keeping it in will only make it worse"

"Well i don't know you to be telling you my problems"

"You not knowing me should the reason to tell me your problems"

"Why is that?"

"Because telling a stranger your problems helps release stress and get everything off you chest without any judgement. And telling a friend or family member can make a problem worst"

"So you want me to open up to you like you're my therapist or something?" I say in an upset voice

"Not like a therapist because therapist tell you what's wrong with you and what you need to fix. I'm not here to do that, I'm here to be an ear and nothing more"

"Well I'm not going to tell you my personal business, It's personal for a reason"

"Well you don't have to tell me but tell somebody or something to get it off your chest. Trust me you'll feel better" she says as she throws another rock that skips along the water close to the opposite end.

"I'll feel better? You don't even know me to know what would make me feel better. You stand here throwing these rocks by yourself at night and you think you know what's best for people?"

"I don't know what's best for people I just know that expressing your feelings and problems is a good healthy way to live, rather than bottle it up" she screams as she throws another rock and it skips all the way across, crash landing in the grass.

"Bottling up emotions is all I know" I reply in a stern voice

"Well you that's not good for you, so give me what I ask for"

"What the hell do you want me to do? You want to sit here and tell you how I hate my life? How I have dreams that I'm too scared to pursue. I have a job I hate. I hate myself and wish i could change but don't know how? Huh, is that what you wanted" I say in a aggressive voice and forcefully throw a rock that makes one skip before piercing the water.

I take a look at her and she still has those beautiful green eyes that hits me right in the heart and straight brown hair that is shining off the water. Her beauty might be unmatched and no matter how mad I was at her, when I look at her I instantly calm down. I stare at her a few more seconds until she looks at me and says something.

"Now you're opening up. This is going to be the beginning of a new you and I'm going to help you discover you" she says while writing her phone number on a white smooth rock and giving it to me.

I wonder how she could actually writ on a rock but that's besides the point. I take the rock and walk back to my home. I place the rock in my night side table in my room. After a long quiet shower, I get out and dress in night clothes. I hop in bed and go to sleep and dream vividly.