Now I Can See Your Pain { J-Dog x Deuce }

Chapter 12

Aron's POV

I'm alive.

Why?

It's not like I deserve it.

Like I have anything to live for.

Jorel is upset with me because of what I did.

He doesn't show it but I know he is.

" Aron, you don't even know how greatful I am that you're alive. I can't even imagine life without you" Jorel said as he sat in the chair next to my bed.

" it would be a life much better than the one you have... " I mumbled.

" No, no it wouldn't. Aron, I don't think you know how much you mean to me. " Jorel replied.

He gently took my hand in his.

" Aron, you've been my best friend for almost our entire fucking lives. We've always been there for eachother. I'm not just going to give up on you like that. " he spoke.

" Well you should've given up on me. It's not like I really matter to anyone else except you. Hell, in a few years I probably won't even matter to you. " I said.

" Aron....You know that's not true. You matter to me more than anyone and....and watching you die scared the hell out of me. All these days of you being in the hospital I never left. I couldn't. While you were in your coma like state or whatever I was talking to you.... I know you didn't hear me though. "

" What did you say?"

" I....I told you how this was my fault because I wasn't pushing hard enough for you to let me help you. How I wasn't going to give up on you when everyone else had. And how much I...."

"how much you what?"

" How much I love you, Aron. I told you how I should've said something years ago to hopefully prevent this from happening. I said that if you lived I would tell you I loved you everyday and if you died I would visit your grave every chance I got and tell you I loved you and still do. "

" You....You don't love me Jorel....You shouldn't.....besides..You have....Vanessa... "

" Aron, I know you love me too. The way you acted when you found out I was with vanessa again made all of us realize it. None if the other guys got upset like you did. "

"..I.....I...."

" don't deny it. You told me yourself that you loved me "

" Jorel, you don't want me. I'm so weak and I'm covered in scars. Vanessa is so much better. If you love her as well you should stay with her.... "

" I don't care about that stuff. You'll get better, I know it. I'll help you. I'm going to be there every step of the way with you. I'm not giving up on you. "

" what if I never get better? Maybe I'll start eating again and stop hurting myself but I'll never truly be better. That pain will always be there. Sure, most of the pain I felt came from seeing you with all these other people...knowing I didn't have a chance. That you would never even think about loving me like that "

" you don't know how wrong you are, Aron. All these years I've always truly wanted to be with you. I didn't want to risk me telling you that I loved you and you just pushing me out of your life. That's why I always hid it with other relationships. Sure, I loved a lot of the people I've been in relationships with but it's always been you Aron. Always "

I just sat there, unsure what to say.

I wanted to be with him badly but I was scared.

Scared that he would one day realize I'm nowhere close to being good enough for him.

That he doesn't truly love me.