Dream's Intuition

Chapter 10 - She Really is Gone

CHAPTER 10

            The queasy feeling in my stomach that had lasted days lifted and the chronic headache that had filled my eyes with a haze was gone.  Everything came into focus and I relaxed.  Mixed feelings washed over me, relief and loneliness.  The loneliness would  be easily remedied when I moved back in with my parents.

             I went into my room and turned on my computer.  The apartment was mine and without a lease I had to provide a month and a half notice, allowing plenty of time to pack and resettle, if my parents would take me.  I did have a student loan that I needed paying.   The task that laid before me were to write up my intent to vacate.

            The process is time consuming and tedious, by November 30th my freedom would dissipate with the handing over of keys and the flip of a few switches.  The hardest partlay before me, calling my parents.

“Hello?”

“Hi mom, its Fiona…”  the conversation dragged out with plenty of explanations.

They understood, that I would have to return to my place in their basement sharing a room with my little brother but I decided that this was better then starving. 

            I sat in the dark after speaking with my mother absorbing how quickly things had changed.  The phone rang, and the silence of the apartment was broken.  It rang again.

“Hello.”  It was Robert, he was checking in on me to make sure I was ok.

“Thanks Rob, I’m fine.  I just need to absorb it all. ..I think I just need to sleep it off.” My brain was bogged down with everything that needed to be processed, I needed to rejuvenate and I would be fine by tomorrow morning.

            I left the apartment and went down the stairs to drop my notice in the mailbox to the main office.  I decided to go for a walk, as the sun was beginning to set and there was just enough light to make it around the block.  I opened the front doors and the fresh air greeted my lungs, helping to clear my sinus’s.  The air was crisp and it felt nice to stretch out my legs.  I walked around the back of the building, where tenants were smoking their evening cigarettes, sucking in the nicotine they so crazed in order to distress I walked away from them to stay in the clean air.  I remembered going for walks with Kay at night on the boardwalk.  We would drive up to the public beach and walk to entire length from the first beach to the last.  We always went after it had gotten dark so it was quieter and just the two of us.  Every so often we would be passed by a stranger.  It was peaceful, you could hear the waves crashing against the sand and we would talk about people we knew, our weekend plans, and what was going on in our lives.  We would talk about ex-boyfriends and current ones.  She was my shoulder to cry on and I was hers.  I was the source of stability in her life when she over thought things and went into a panic.  I calmed her down.  I wonder who is doing that now?  Out of all the times that the two of us had shared together, that was one of my fondest memories, it was sweet and simply, and those times we were the truest with ourselves.  Once August had hit, it started raining a lot and it was often cold at nights, we hadn’t gone anymore.  At that moment I would give anything to walk on the boardwalk with her, to get her advice on the whole Robert situation, and to hear about the exciting night she had had. 

            I was soon back at the front doors to my building and I sat on the steps to watch the sun finally set.  On the road in front of my building I could see cars pass by gaining speed.  The sound of engines overtook the night.  I opened the front door and walked inside. 

            I had left my computer on and my room was hot from the electricity.  I moved my mouse about to illuminate my screen so that I could shut it down.  In the right hand bottom corner there was a little envelope displayed, showing that I had a new email.  I double clicked on the icon and noted the sender line; it was from Kay.  There is no message line.

 I open the email:

Hey girl, I know it was kinda ass of me to just up and out on ya but there are whole bunch of things that have been getting to me lately.  You know my contract was up soon and they offered me another position, but it wasn’t what I was doing and it wasn’t something that I wanted to do.  I didn’t what I was gonna do at the end of the month. You know I have been looking for jobs lately, well I got a call for an interview in T-dot and I went.  Well I didn’t get the job, but I thought it might be cool to kinda stick it out here for a while and see if I can get anything else.  There are more opportunities out here anyways. 

And I saw the boy the other day, before I left, and it really got to me.  I mean I thought I would be cool if we ran into each other, but I saw him out at the bar, and he was talking to this chick, and it kinda set me over the edge.  I mean I know I dumped him and everything, but it was just too much.  I thought it would be cool for us to see each other, and I would be fine, but im not and I cant deal with seeing him.  I know you know where I am coming from on this one.

Right now im kinda crashing at my cousins for a bit, until I get a job and an apartment.  I got rid of my celly, trying to save some sort of cash. I may just die without it!  Hope that things work out!  Sorry. Luv ya.  TTYL.

That was it.

            I understood exactly what she meant by “I can’t deal with seeing him.”  The reason that I had went to University out of town was based on a guy, an ex.  The Ex in particular.  Everyone can remember those exes, for me it was Jon.  I was twenty years old, young and fun loving.  I had a great boyfriend, amazing.  He was funny, smart, and he had this look to him.  I would never classify him as drop dead gorgeous, but when he would walk in the room you couldn’t help but stare at him.  He was that guy.  My family loved him.  Looking back with all certainty I could say that he may just have been that guy; the one where you fall madly in love with him, and in the pouring rain share a passionate kiss as the rain caresses your intertwined bodies.  Unfortunately that is the ending movies provide, the ones where no matter what happens there is forgiveness and rationality is thrown to the winds. 

Our relationship had a much less satisfactory ending.  We got into a horrible fight one night, I went one way and he went another.  In a drunken stupor I informed his friends that I was going to break up with him the next moment I saw him, so technically we were single.  His friends saw him before I did.  We were over.  A sober apology and wearing my heart on my sleeve still did not rectify the situation.  I spent many heart broken nights crying in my room.  Every time I saw him I felt my stomach lurch and it ate away at my heart, piece by piece.  Instead of coping with this situation and working through my emotional crisis, I left town and moved as far away as I could.  To this day I still do not know if I love him or not.  I understood exactly what Kay was going through.  She never really openly discussed what had happened between her ex, I just knew that she ended it as she did not see herself marrying him, but clearly it pained her more then she had let on.

            I made my way down the hall to Kay’s bedroom.  Next to her bed there was a small white end table.  Atop it sat a small beaded lamp and some candles surrounding it in a variety of pastel colours and smells.  There was a small drawer, inside is a small stash of condoms, handcuffs and lubricant.  There is also a picture of Kay and Pete, her ex.  The photo was developed in black and white , her long dark strands flowed in waves surrounding her face.  She looked fresh with light makeup and a spray of freckles across her nose.  She was leaning on his shoulder and he was making a goofy face.  It was one of the most honest smiles she has ever flashed in her life.  She was looking at him out of the corner of her eye and he was doing the same.  I remembered taking the picture.  A moment after the flash I remember them rolling over in a fit of laughter and him pinning her down kissing her face and neck.  The picture that had once sat on her night stand now rested in it’s drawer, away from the line of sight and probably in hopes of eroding its place in Kay’s memory.  I left it out.  I liked that picture of her and it would do no mental anguish now.  Perhaps I would give it to Pete, as he might find some use for it.  Maybe it would cause him just as much pain as he had caused her.