I Choose You

18. An Uphill Battle (Edited)

Edited 

Aiden.

Aiden.

Aiden.

He's the only person that has been on my mind for the past four days. I wanted to talk to him so badly, to tell him that I missed him, and that I wanted him back in my life, but how was I supposed to face him after the way we had left things? I mean, he practically told me that he was done being there for me. Done being my friend.

Wasn't that ironic? The moment I realize that I have feelings for him he tells me that he's never going to be there for me again. Just imagining Aiden never being there to comfort me again, to make me laugh, and smile... it made this hollow, sinking feeling rise in the pit of my stomach. A world without Aiden was like a world without happiness. Everything just seemed so much duller. There was no spark, no flame to set me ablaze and make me feel alive. Now I was just existing, floating through life like a ghost with no purpose.

Now that I had finally admitted my feelings to myself all the feelings of being not good enough, not pretty enough, it all came flooding back to me. Yeah, I like Aiden, but what if he doesn't like me back? What if, after all this time, he just sees me as a friend? As just his tutor?

He could have any girl in the world, any girl he wanted, so why in the world would he want me? Why in the world would he want normal, innocent, little Emery? There's nothing special about me. I'm just a girl who's trying to please everyone else, meanwhile struggling with a mountain of insecurities. There's hundreds of other girls on this earth who are so much prettier than I am, so much more confident. It wouldn't make sense for him to like me.

If he doesn't like you, then why did he care so much that you forgave Evan?

Because he hates him obviously. Aiden despises Evan, so of course he'd be angry that I forgave Evan. To Aiden, Evan is everything that's wrong with the world. I just don't understand why.

After Evan apologized to me, I just couldn't find it in my heart to stay mad at him. Sure, I was still hurt about what he'd said to me, but knowing that he had never meant a single word of it made everything so much better. And I've never been one to hold a grudge, especially against Evan. He's a good person, and he can't help that his parents want him to be something that he's not. That's not his fault.

I couldn't think about anything else while I stood there, cleaning the mounds of dishes that had accumulated after our Thanksgiving dinner with Autumn and her family. Every year, they invite us over to their house to have Thanksgiving dinner with their family. Their family is huge. Autumn has so many cousins she can't even count them on her finger.

Every year I offer to clean the dishes, because it's the least I can do after they invite us over. So, Autumn and I were standing there, cleaning the mounds of dishes that were piled up as everyone else mingled and chatted with each other. Kids were running around screaming in every which direction, meanwhile the adults were all seated in the living room drinking wine and laughing. I watched my father as he sat there, drinking a beer with Autumn's father and conversing with the other men. I was happy to see him having a good time. It's been a while since he's been able to relax and have a good time.

"Are you okay?" Autumn asked, concern laced in her voice, as I handed her a plate to rinse.

No, of course I'm not okay. The guy that I realized I like isn't speaking to me right now and I don't even know how I feel about the other guy that I kind of, sort of, think I may be in love with, but I'm not quite so sure anymore. And the only thing I can think about are the words Aiden said to me that keep repeating over and over again in my mind. So, no, no I'm not okay.