Oh My...

37) Go Home

Claire was peering at me from an uncomfortable looking chair in the corner of my hospital room. Neither of us had said anything to each other since I woke up, we just stared. For a while in the beginning, I wordlessly cried, but Claire's expression kept the same grave look for the hours we've been sitting here.

Finally, in a hoarse whisper, she asked: "Why?"

I tried to swallow down a lump in my throat. "I'm sad."

"Sad enough to..?" Claire trailed off, and for the first time she tore her eyes away from me. I heard her snuffle.

My breath escaped my lips through shuttering gasps and my eyes stung with tears. "I don't like who I am." I said, barley audible.

"Alex..." Claire began softy, rising from her plastic chair and walking slowly towards me. "Alex, please don't say that." Up close, I could see water filling the brim of her eyes. She took my hand, the one with bandages wrapped around the wrist, and kissed my knuckles one by one. As she did so, tears slipped down her cheeks. "Alexandra, you are so beautiful and funny and charming and fearless, hearing that you don't like yourself rips a hole in my heart."

I was trying to bite back a sob. "I'm bad, Claire. Believe me when I tell you I'm no good."

"Shhh," Claire pushed my bangs away from my forehead. "Shhh, you are amazing Alex. Mistakes don't define you. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful heart, stop being so hard on yourself."

She climbed in bed next to me and set her head in the crook of my neck. "Life is so hard, Alex, and in my experience everyone hates themselves to some degree, but you can't let your demons win. You need to fight passed them. Even though you may not think it's worth it, you need to keep fighting."

I rubbed my bandages with my thumb. "I love you, Claire."

She rose her head and pressed her lips down on the crown of my head. "I love you more than you know, Alex."

We were silent in that stuffy hospital room, only listening to my heart monitor and each other's breathing. Outside the window taking up most of the long wall to my right, flurries of snow drifted from the sky.

I was staring intently at them when I said, "Claire, I got back into drugs."

"I know," she mused back, stroking my black hair.

There was another lap of silence between us.

"I think you should go back home. To Brooklyn."

I didn't reply. The snow was falling rapidly now.

"I was already going down there for Thanksgiving. I think you should come."

I sniffed back the urge to cry again. "You're right." I whispered, closing my eyes.

Claire continued to stroke my hair. "I think it'll be best to spend time with your mother after...what happened."

I nodded in agreement. "I'm gonna miss it here though, Claire."

She kissed my forehead. "Detroit will miss you, but it'll always be here. Get better first, Alex. And then maybe we can try this again."

I didn't reply, I just kept staring at the snow falling outside my window.