Heart: Under Construction

Dead Inside

Alam n'yo yung hiniling ko na sana natuluyan nalang ako.

Gustong-gusto kong umiyak, pero di ko na magawa, ubos na ubos na ako.

Said na said na. Wala nang mailuha, wala nang mailabas na galit at sakit. Gusto ko nalang maglaho. Gusto ko nang tapusin.

Pahirap nalang ako sa mga taong nasa paligid ko.

Ni hindi ko na magawang alagaan ang anak ko. Hindi ko na nga s'ya magawang tignan. Cause everytime he smiles, lalo akong nalulungkot because I can't face him, I screwed up. I failed in giving him a father, a whole and happy family.

Cause in reality? I can't.

Pakiramdam ko isa akong malaking pagkakamali sa mga lalaking minahal ko ng sobra kaya bigla nalang nila ako iniiwan.

I barely eat and sleep kahit na parang pagod na pagod ako.

No one knows what happened to him, ang alam lang namin ayaw n'ya na magpakita.

Gab received a text message from him saying don't waste your time in finding me.

So not like him but what can I do? He just said that. Isa lang ang malinaw, ayaw na n'ya sa akin.

Maybe hindi talaga ako kamahal-mahal. I'm just nothing, I'm just a poece of trash na pupulutin ng iba pagkatapos magamit ay itatapon ulit.

It's 12 midnight, I put on a sexy dress tsaka tumakas.

Alak, sigarilyo and possibly making-out with some random stranger at the bar will do me no harm or rather get's me killed but who the hell cares? I just got ditched at my own wedding.

I have all the right to do whatever the hell I want.

If no one's gonna love me then so be it.

As I entered the bar a guy who looks like a hooker blows all them smoke from my face and smirked.

Tuloy-tuloy lang ako sa paglalakas hanggang sa makarating ako sa dulo.

I ordered one bottle of southern comfort. Sinadya kong iwan yung phone ko sa bahay so that no one will be texting or calling me to go home.

I just want to fucking drink everything away. Wala akong pakialam kung maging wasted ako or kung may mag-uuwi sa aking lalaki. I'm this desperate of ruining my already fucked up life.

I'm on my third bottle when this one cute guy sat across my table "Hey gorgeous mind if I join you?" I stood up tsaka ako pumunta sa kinauupuan n'ya and pounced at him. Kissed him so hard.

I can feel his hands all over me but that's the least of my worries, I'm on fire right now.

I whispered into his ears "mind if we go somewhere private?" Then bit it.

Hindi ko alam kung saan n'ya ako dinala but this is one hot damn of a motel, "you know, you don't look like who's ready into hook ups" he said while undressing me.

I laughed! "Do I look like a virgin?" Stoping him from unhooking my bra.

"I'd say, you got dump and wants to be happy for once" that hit right through the core.

"God damn it! You hit the jackpot! My groom ditched me on our wedding day" natatawang sabi ko.

"I'm sorry to hear that" sabi n'ya tsaka n'ya ako niyakap. I pushed him away.

The last thing I needed now was a pitty from a stranger.

"What was that for? I'm not here for cuddling, I needed to feel alive again, so either you fuck me or I'll go find some else to do that"

"You don't deserve this" he said.

I rolled my eyes, "oh please save me the drama" I'm starting to get dress again when he pulled me again for a hug. Itutulak ko sana s'ya ulit pero he started kissing my neck.

Oh God! I wonder where do boys get those skills.

He's freaking good!

He nibbled my nipples, I'm so high on what he's been doing to me.

He reached for my lips, I gladly opened my mouth for access, he slid his tongue.

I passed out.

Morning came, my heads been spinning widely. I saw a note on the side table as I reached for the glass of water.

Gorgeous,

I'm sorry it didn't happen as you wanted to be, I guessed sleeping pills always come in handy. Maybe next time when we meet again. Drink lots of water and oh the gift check is for you to use, have some coffee and clear your thoughts.

Random stranger,
J ❤

Kaya pala bigla nalang ako nakaramdam ng antok matapos n'ya akong halikan. I thought it was the alcohol's fault.

He's such a gentleman, pero hindi na ako papauto sa mga katulad n'ya.

All them boys are the same. Kinuha ko yung gift check n'ya. So I did what he told me, I used the gc to have coffee. Ang sakit din kasi ng ulo ko.

Umuwi ako and saw Ninang on my front door "Morning" I greeted and kissed her cheek.

"Saan ka galing?" She asked, I'm sure amoy na amoy ako.

"Bar" I said acting so tired "can I go to sleep now?" She just nodded but the disappointment and hurt in her eyes didn't go unnoticed.

I flopped myself in bed and tried to sleep but as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw Elli's face smiling at me.

Kahit na akala ko hindi na ako iiyak, my tears just fell.

Kaya agad akong lumabas ulit pumunta sa pinaka malapit na convienience store, I bought all kinds of alcoholic beverages.

Pinagtitinginan ako ng mga tao pero hindi ko na problema 'yon.

Nagkulong ako sa kwarto and drink myself to death.

//Darker Isabelle coming through, yan ha 2 chapters in one day, bukas na po ulit haha//