Heart: Under Construction

Back to Zero

I fell on my knees the moment I step foot sa office ni James.

He immediately bolted up to help me settle in the chair. Agad syang nagpadala ng tubig kay Drew.

He let me cry hanggang sa mapagod ako "drink" he offered.

I took a sip, "I saw him" I was about to cry again pero pinilit kong pigilan.

"I'm not gonna ask, spill if you want I'll listen, if not then I'll be right here"

"He said he doesn't remember me, lame eh?" He didn't say anything pinakinggan n'ya lang ako lahat ng rants ko. I cried so much, halos wala na akong mailabas.

He pulled me into a tight embrace "maybe he really doesn't"

"Bullshit!" I hissed.

I cried again. Sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam. Ang dami naman nyang pwedeng idahilan bakit ganon pa? Di n'ya ako maalala o ayaw n'ya lang talaga, ayaw na n'ya.

Nakatulog ako sa sobrang pag-iyak. The room's familiar, "James?" I think nasa bahay n'ya ako, sa rooftop ng bar and this is his room.

Lumabas s'ya mula sa cr, mukhang nagshower s'ya. Naka tapis lang s'ya and I could clearly see his beautiful body.

"You're not gonna take advantage of my state of being, are you?" I tried to joke pero bigla s'yang lumapit sa akin our faces just an inch apart naka kulong din ako sa pagitan ng mga braso n'ya.

"Stop acting like you're okay" sabi n'ya in a super serious tone "If I have a choice, ilalayo kita, I'll be selfish at hindi-hindi ka na makikita nun gagong 'yon" he smells like mint "but of course I can't, because clearly, you're still madly in love with him" he kissed my forehead before pulling away.

Napakurap-kurap ako bago ko muling ibinaling ang tingin ko sa kanya na ngayon ay bihis na.

"Sleep more, I'll be downstairs, I still have business to run, see you later"

He didn't let me answer.

Napabuntong hininga nalang ako, "totoo bang wala kang maalala, Elli?" I asked no one in particular.

I texted Ninang nagpaalam ako na mag-sleep over dito sa pent house ni James. She likes James kaya naman umoo agad s'ya. And it's not like this is the first time I slept here.

Kapag gusto kong makalimot, kapag sobrang down na down ako, I always spend the time with him. Somehow, James been my dependable crying shoulder. Minsan nga nagi-guilty ako kasi I know how much he loves me.

Aware ako sa feelings n'ya for me, na pilit n'yang nilalabanan kahit na hindi ko naman sinasabi sa kanya. Kung sa ibang pagkakataon siguro kami nagkakilala, I would gladly reciprocate the feeling but who am I fooling? Sabi nga n'ya I'm still madly in love with a guy who apparently has no idea who am I.

Hindi ko alam kung ginagago na naman ba ako ni Elli or he's actually saying the truth.

What really happened one year ago? Did he hit his head at nagka-amnesia? Or was that only an excuse for me to totally stop loving him.

At sino yung babaeng kasama n'ya kanina? Yung ipinagpalit n'ya sa akin?

Nakatulog na naman, I can't stop crying magang-maga na yung mata ko. Naalimpungatan ako when I felt someone's hugging me from behind but when I smell his scent I immediately smile.

Wala man kaming relasyon, he always pamper me with this kind of treatment. Sana talaga natuturuan ang puso, dahil pagod na pagod na rin naman akong magmahal ng taong ayaw na sa akin.

Awang-awa na rin ako sa sarili ko kaya lang ang hirap-hirap naman kasing hindi na mahalin si Elli.

Nagshutdown na ata yung puso ko para magmahal pa ng iba. Hindi ko na magawang magpapasok pa.

Si Elli lang yung naiwan doon kaya hindi ko alam kung paano at saan magsisimulang papasukin si James.

Yung gustong-gusto mo nang magmahal ulit kasi meron naman, may willing naman magmahal sa'yo ulit, pero di mo kaya, kasi umaasa ka pa rin doon sa taong akala mong panghabangbuhay na.

I intertwined my fingers into his and whispered "thank you and I'm sorry"

Hinigpitan lang n'ya lalo yung pagkakayap sa akin.

I woke up early so I prepared breakfast for James before leaving.

Hindi ko na s'ya ginising, magdamagan din s'ya sa bar, he needed sleep. I left a note tho.

JD,

Thank you, I hope I can repay you someday but anyway, here's your meal, init mo nalang mukhang brunch ka na makakakain hehe hindi na kita ginising I know how tired you are. Dadaan ulit ako mamaya.

Forever grateful bitch,
Belle <3

Nakipagkita ako kay Dave to tell him everything too, he's my best friend afterall. Hindi na nga lang kami masyadong nakapag-uusap sincd busy din sila ni Mj sa firm, and they're working sa paggawa ng baby.

"And naniwala ka naman sa mga sinabi ni gago?" It's safe to say that he's fuming mad right now.

"I don't know" gulong-gulo rin naman ako, may part sa akin ma gusto s'yang paniwalaan.

"Sabi mo may kasamang babae! Of course he's lying! Amnesia my arse!" Ugh, that girl, kung sino man s'ya wag magpapakita sa akin baka kung ano magawa ko.

"Can you help me or not?"

"Belle, ano pa bang use na malaman ang totoo? Hindi ba pwedeng mag-move on ka na talaga? As in yung totoo na? Cause clearly he's already over you, ayaw na sayo nun tao" araw-araw ko naman naririnig ang mga salitang yan sa mga tao sa paligid ko pero laging masakit sa pus.

I'm trying so hard.

Kaya lang di ata marunong sumuko itong puso ko kahit pagod na. S'ya pa rin ang tinitibok.

Seems like whenever I tried to move on, to forget him, my heart alwats end up screaming his name.

Yung laging back to zero, from scratch ganon, parang may rubber string na naka-attach sa akin kaya kahit anong move forward ko bumabalik pa rin ako.

"Can you?" I repeated myself. He just nodded with a defeated face. Guessed I'm lucky to have friends like him and James.

Kahit na baliw na baliw ako. Baliw sa pag-ibig. Humaling sa sakit. Bulag sa katotohanan.

//jotting down some inspiration for the next chapter ended up writing it whole lol happy long weekend hoomans//