The Girl Who Feared Men (SAMPLE)

Chapter 9: Survivor

Ellie

I woke up in the school's infirmary. After the school called to explain everything to Jessa, I was told to lie still and wait for her to pick me up. As soon as Jessa arrived, she tackled me in a hug and asked me if I was okay. Repeatedly. When Jessa was convinced that I could stand on my own, we were on our way to the hospital. I was forced to spill the beans on my newfound case of insomnia and everything was textbook after that. They did some tests, I was prescribed some pills, and they told me to rest. By the time we got home, I was absolutely exhausted. I sat on the couch and waited for Jessa to fix up dinner.

Jessa hasn't said a word to me since I told the doctors about my nightmares and I'm starting to worry. I expected her to yell at me, to scold me about how irresponsible my actions were. I expected her to do something but to my surprise, she's done nothing. She hasn't mentioned the fact that I haven't slept in five days or that my nightmares- a symptom I stopped showing two years ago- have suddenly returned out of the blue.

I squirm in my seat, waiting for Jessa to snap and unleash her bottled up anger. It was only a matter of time.

Finally, Jessa comes out of the kitchen and joins me on the couch. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"What?" I ask, clearly playing dumb. I wonder if avoiding the topic completely will make her eventually give up and forget this ever happened.

"That your nightmares were back. You couldn't sleep for days and you didn't tell me. You didn't tell anyone. Why?"

Note to self: This tactic does not work when Jessa cuts straight to the point.

I open my mouth to deny her accusation but the words die on my lips. Her tired gaze stops my thought process. With just one look I can tell that the disappointment in her eyes isn't for me but for herself. She blames herself for what happened. She thinks she's responsible for how messed up I am. I want to tell Jessa that it's not her fault I'm so screwed up...but I don't. It's not like she'll believe me anyway.

"I thought that pretending to be strong would actually make me stronger. You know what they say," I punch her arm playfully. "Fake it till you make it." I laugh dryly at my own words.

Jessa sighs. "Ellie, you are the strongest person I know. Even stronger than me. I know in my heart that you can get passed this but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help."

In all honesty, I knew that going to Jessa would be the smart thing to do, talking to her about this stuff always helped. Not being able to sleep for days is one thing but being terrified of your dreams and choosing to watch yourself bleed over falling asleep; that's a completely different type of mental trauma. It's a miracle that I survived this long without losing my mind.

I shrug because I don't know what to say or how to justify my reasoning.

Jessa bites her quivering lips before she loses it. Her eyes are shining with unshed tears."I've told you so many times to talk to me about these things Ellie. You need to let me know when something's not okay because..." She chokes on her words.

My heart shatters. I stand up and hug her. "I'm so sorry Jessa. But, hey, I'm okay."

"But you might not have been," she cries. "You should talk to me about these things, not bottle them up and keep it to yourself. "You could have fainted anywhere. Good god, you could have fainted while walking down the stairs," she says and continues to cry.

"I'm sorry for scaring you," I say as I rub her back. "I won't do anything like that again, I promise."

As I hold Jessa, I mentally punch myself in the face. I've been stupid, reckless, and petty and my behavior has to stop. I have a striking revelation as to why I didn't tell her about the nightmares. In fact, a situation like this has happened before, years ago. After Natalie- my sister- died, It was really easy for me to be sucked into this black hole of despair. I became angry at everyone and everything.