Fine Apple | ✓

l o b s t e r

❝We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.❞ —Mother Teresa

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"Hello?"

"... Yo Kale, so how was your first experience trying REAL fruit?"

"Well--"

"If you didn't know, it's uh... it's part of our store policy to follow up with our customers following their purchase. Are you satisfied with your care?"

"That's a weird store policy."

"Canyoujustanswerthefreakingquestion."

"Well, I've never felt so confident in my veganism as I do now."

"Uh... should I take that as a yes?"

"Fine. IT WAS SO GOOD. I mean, if you want honesty in its finest form, Fine-Apple Guy, I feel renewed. Personally revolutionized. Like my entire existence has been transformed. I feel like a new man."

"... Okay, if we're gonna 'become friends' or whatever, you gotta stop calling me Fine-Apple Guy. You sound like a dumb character from a comic book."

"Oh right, your name's actually Tinkerbell, isn't it?"

"I am this close to reaching through the phone and possibly strangling you with the cord."

"Yeah, good thing I'm on an iPhone."

"..."

"I take it you aren't."

"Uh... no... to be completely accurate, I'm on the store phone."

"The way you said that implies it's not completely accurate at all."

"Can you please stop trying to psychologically analyze every word I say?"

"Well... you won't tell me your real name, you apparently have a history with my girlfriend, and third, you're just a plain weirdo. Forgive me if I've been trying to uh... validate your existence."

"To debunk your third accusation, 'weirdo-ness' is subjective, so your argument is invalid. Second--I don't know at what point you started dating her, but I never heard about this so you can't point a gun to my head. First--uh--sure, you can validate me. I don't care. Name's Nicholas, bro."

"Name's Kale, bro."

"That just somehow doesn't sound quite as righteous coming from you as it does coming from me."

"That's because your voice sounds like an inebriated surfer."

"Oh my gosh. Thank you. My life goal is achieved. I can die in peace."

"I can't even tell if that's legitimate gratitude or just sarcasm. It wasn't even supposed to be a compliment."

"Kale, no one's ever actually treated me like a surfer before. People just make fun of how fake I a--I mean, I sound. You've actually seriously made my day, which means a lot more than you might think."

"... Um... you're a weirdo, Nicholas. I don't know what else to say."

"Like I said. Weirdo-ness is subjective."

"Whatever."

"We are officially friends, Cabbage. Officially friends."

"It's Kale."

"Aren't cabbage and kale the same thing? I am the fruit expert here."

"Kale isn't even a fruit, man."

"... Right. Uh... close enough."

"... Believe it or not, I'm not a fruit either. That might be a tough one to swallow. Literally."

"Hey, remember how you were going to define your 'relationship with Aria' for me?"

"Yeah, also remember how you were going to tell your side of the story first? I'm ready anytime you want to start."

"Do you really want to hear this?"

"That's like you asking 'do you really want to order fruit from me again?' --Yes, but the more time you spend yakking about doing it the less interested I become. Satisfied?"

"I think you've made yourself decently clear."

"So, get on with it then."

"Uh... okay. Here goes."

"..."

"..."

"... Yes?"

"I'm going to regret this in approximately half an hour."

"Then why are you doing it?"

"Because somebody's gotta know. I've held this in way too long. I uh... I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but I need to get it out now before I--before I regret it."

"Yeah, you really should. If this were a book, I'd be so mad at the author for dragging out your obnoxious evasiveness and filling it with your weirdness."

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that."

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a/n: if you appreciate that little fourth-wall breaking I did to roast myself a little bit for how long I've been unnecessarily dragging out the writing of this story, then yay!!!! if not, well sorry. i thought it would be a decent kale attempt at savagery. you really gotta let the guy live sometimes.

so here's the deal: i'm going to try to finish this book before the anniversary of its first publishing, which is september 12. it might be difficult, but i think you guys deserve it. what do you say?

love and fresh mangoes,

tina