Collision (Zerrie)

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

I stared longingly at the vase of the vibrant Carnation settled on the small table. Most of the buds were absent due to the harsh blow to the floor they took. Now, only three stems were decorated with a full pink flower and it was my fault. I was the cause of the death to these flowers just like I was to Zayn and I's relationship. This banquet of impaired Carnations was only a painful reminder of my crime (not that I would forget anyway, but it intensified the already aching pain), yet the reason why my eyes have been boring holes into them for the past two days is unknown to me.

A lot of people say that after a horrible break up they feel nothing, that they're simply numb and detached from the world around them. I've found that detached is indeed one of the symptoms, but numbness-unfortunately-is not. I'd rather feel nothing than this heavy feeling in my heart, but it's a logical punishment for my infraction and a well deserved one at that. This certainly is not a punishment that fits the crime as this crime is a few sizes larger than any consequence. I broke the person I loved the most heart, as well as mine in the process. Though it was completely accidental and regretted the jury of fate don't seem to know nor care.

I heard soft foot steps pad onto the floor of the bus but I didn't bother to check who was the intruder on my grieving was. It was without a doubt one of the girls. They have been checking on me regularly since the whole incident and every time was just a repeat of the last. They'd ask if I was okay, I'd respond with a lie they knew wasn't true, they'd ask if I needed anything, I'd deny and then after a moment of hesitation they would leave without another word. This time, however, it was a shock that the same repetition did not occur. After Jesy asked me the usual questions, she sat down in front of me, but my eyes still remained on the flowers.

"It's not entirely your fault you know," she told me, staring at the flowers too. I stayed quiet, keeping my gaze on-what was left of- the bundle of my favorite flowers. Or former favorite, at least.

"I mean sure," she continued, "what you did was pretty stupid, but we all make mistakes."

"You don't think I know that what a did was horrendously stupid?" I asked emptily, not shifting my gaze.

"It's a relief to know that you know that, but it doesn't excuse what you did- or even why," she paused, "Why did you do it?" That was something I couldn't even figure out myself, and that's what I told her.

"There has to be some reason Perrie; you're not one to make decisions in the heat of the moment without a logical explanation," she said. I internally snorted. I wasn't one to do a lot of things until recently, I wanted to say, but kept my mouth shut instead.

"There's no logic in idiocy Jess."

"You're not an idiot."

"Maybe not, but you don't have to be an idiot to make idiotic choices," I countered and she went quiet. I was aware I was being a bit harsh and unreasonably stubborn when my best friend was only trying to help, but I couldn't focus on much besides the ache in my chest.

I heard her sigh in defeat and get up from her position in front of me and exit the bus, all the while my vision stayed on those god damn flowers. We were currently parked at a destination I didn't know and the girls were probably just leaving to go to sound check by now. We had a concert tonight and after my 48 hour long breakdown they hadn't even attempted to convince me to go. I assume they realized how much I was affected by this and I knew they only wanted to comfort me, but every time one of them accompanied me all I desired was to be alone.

That's a change, you were so alone before that you had to have two guys and now you're time alone is not enough, my subconscious asked sarcastically and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath only to feel the the wetness from my tears coating my cheeks.