Mixed Love (a freakish love triangle)

six

This chapter is a little depressing but I think you guys can take it.
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Violet's Pov

The past days I have found myself with Zane. Some of my anger is directed to him but I have found myself pardoning him and blaming myself. The more time I give myself to think just gives me more time to dig myself a bigger hole. So instead of thinking I try to keep myself busy. I try to help everyone whenever I can. But in my extra time I try to mask, I find myself hanging with Zane.

I try to tell myself that Zane makes me feel better, and he does.. slightly. But my hatred for him has not been diminished. I like to say it was covered. Covered by my hidden sorrows and lost emotions and need for human connection.

By hanging with Zane I mean sitting together in silence in different locations. I don't like nor find him interesting so I don't let him speak to me, or maybe be does but I don't care enough to listen. I honestly would rather stare at a wall but I just feel so lonely.

I usually spent my time before the explosion alone. I never was really fond of other people. I mean I did have friends and family but I rather work alone. I thought in this school while we are trapped together I would be better alone but, I learned that it's the totally opposite. We have all seen and dealt with things together and it made us become more intertwined. Because all we got is each other. So I have gotten used to it, especially the days when Grover and I dated. I guess you need someone in a tragic situation such as this one.

When I said in different locations I meant in the same set of them. I try my best to stay out of Grover's way, so I stay in places that I know he's familiar of where I am usually at. And he knows not to go in there. Some days I find Grover in the halls and I either turn around and leave or I put my head down and plunge forward. I am not scared of many things but right now what scares me the most is confrontation. I am scared to be confronted for what I did. I know I fucked up but I don't want you to tell me that.

I totally regret that day, that moment, I regret everything. That means I am sorry. And I am. Grover made me happy in this hell and I wished it could just be the same again.

I feel a tear fall out of my eye and I start to cry unintentionally sometimes. I don't feel it coming because I mask my feelings and I never show them. But sometimes I am so good at hiding them I forget I had those emotions thus making me cry unintentionally with intention.

I don't like hanging with Zane. I just hate him. I wish things would be better. I wish that at least Zane made me feel better but he doesn't. I am with him for my own detachment problem and nothing else.

My days feel like they drag like a timeline that goes on forever. My heart knows what it did and it attacks itself for its stupid decisions. It feels dark and alone. I feel invisible but at the same time I feel like everyone watching me. I am meant to be alone. I never deserved someone like Grover. He's too good for me. Now I have to suffer in my own prison that I call my mind that constantly rips me apart, sinking me deeper.