Like Who I Used To Be [Matsuda x Fem!Reader]

New Kind of Idiot; New Kind of Plan

After Mogi had shown her to her desk the day before, [Y/N] had gone ahead and quickly set things up. She'd even gone ahead and put up the anime figurines of Levi and some characters from [Fav. Anime], hoping that having them might calm her down.

It didn't calm her. It gave her something to fidget with in her nervousness. She was very aware that the others were watching her, and her hands shifted the collectables from place to place on her desk as she tried to pretend that she wasn't the center of attention. Matsuda especially had his deep brown eyes locked onto her actions. [Y/N] remembered his chastising words when he had found Levi's figurine among her spilled possessions yesterday. As though it's presence meant she thought the job was a joke.

Her [E/C] eyes shifted to where he sat, there desks near to each other. When she accidentally locked gazes with him, she jolted and dropped the small anime character she had been repositioning, "Ah, h-hi!"

Quickly she dropped below her desk, grabbing the figurine and sitting up again, all while somehow not smashing her skull in the process, "Erm, M-Matsuda-san...r-right? You...I...uh..."

"Aren't you supposed to be working on that?" The young officer inquired, sighing. Trying to break this kid of crippling awkwardness was going to waste valuable time. His early career may have been plagued by stupidity, but at least he could function. The world was going to eat this girl alive, "But yeah, I'm Matsuda."

[Y/N] bit her lip, feeling rather intimidated by the man and averted her gaze. When she fell into silence, Matsuda began to feel a tug of guilt for his harshness and huffed in frustration.

"You're not gonna get anywhere if you won't talk..." A half hearted smile crossed his face as she glanced back up at him, "Try doing whatever worked in Aizawa's office. So, what on earth made you think you should be in the NPA?"

She knew he was really asking because he thought she didn't belong. It made sense to think that. She needed to answer him honestly...well, as honestly as she dared. She knew Kira was a sensitive subject, one that wasn't open to free discussion beyond former task force members.

Drawing a deep breath she prepared to do her best, "K-Kira..."

Matsuda's eyes widened, any shine in them seeming to dull. If [Y/N] noticed she didn't let on as she continued, "It was...u-unforgivable...wh-what...K-Kira did....a-and you....you guys were so...cool-"

Anything else she had to say was cut off by Matsuda angrily interrupting, "Cool? Nothing we had to do was cool...this isn't cool...you are going to go through...through..."

The final moments of the Kira case flashed through his mind. Light admitting to everything, the loss of self control to rage and grief, the unleashing of his firearm. It played in slow motion and fast forward both at once as round after round was fired into the genius he once called friend.

"Never think this job is something we do because it's cool or fun...okay?" His pained brown eyes met her [E/C] ones, and she had to wonder what tragedy he had seen on the job.

Nodding, she was too concerned to feel flustered at all. She stood up and moved toward him, "Sure...okay, Matsuda-san...I'm sorry..."

Before she could get too close, the man rose from his seat and headed towards the coffee room. Somehow, he found, this made a comforting routine. Getting coffee, even if only for himself, was a familiar thing from before it all fell apart.

The Rookie stood frozen beside her desk, staring at where he had walked off too. She hadn't anticipated that reaction, and wasn't sure if she should be more saddened or scared by it. Her immediate reflex had been to try comforting him, but the more she thought about it, the less sure she was of what the whole thing meant.