The Mute [Elliot Alderson]

18 | b l i n d

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BES'S POV

Convincing Elliot to hack someone without previously disclosing exactly why he should was pretty difficult to say the least. Hours of begging and threatening, attempting to use blackmail and one cry session later - he agreed.

Obviously he refused at first and flat out told me no, so I had to get what I wanted somehow.

I know, I know. I sound like a spoiled brat who can't deal with being told 'no' but that's not really what this is. I saw an opportunity and took it.

I gave him Ronnie's name, and decided that I should probably leave him once I started hearing him mumble to himself as if though he was having a conversation with someone who wasn't there. I grabbed my things and walked out the door.

The tall Allsafe building was calling my name, and I shuddered at the idea of having to return soon. It felt like I had been gone so long that I couldn't quite remember the feeling of my desk, or the pang of boredom that washed through me as I buttoned up my work shirts.

For some reason, I just never m saw myself working a desk job.

Of course every child envisions themselves growing older and being an astronaut or a princess, ninja or a vet, etc; but we never quite make that decision until many years later.

High school is supposed to prepare you for this kind of life, but after years of not fitting in (especially after my father passed) and then switching to homeschooling where the only influence on suggestions for my future came from my close family—it's like all preparation for normal was thrown out the window.

David always pushed me to do what I really wanted and I think I'll always appreciate that. These psychology classes aren't even what I want to do either, my true passion is painting.

I know the term starving artist doesn't necessarily sound so appealing but I feel like I've lost a part of myself now that I've resorted to a job that makes me so utterly unhappy I could just die.

Sure, many people would say, "well, that's just life."

To that I say, "you get stuck with what you settle for so I am not settling for that."

I thought back to Elliot abruptly.

I wonder if he's moved from that spot since I left. Knowing him, probably not.

But do I actually know him? This..thing has always been pretty surface level for us - we haven't really connected in a deep way. One day we didn't know each other existed and the next day we were making out on his couch.

Not a whole lot of time in between.

It makes me feel.. Bad, sort of. I don't regret it and at this point I'm not too sure about how I feel towards Elliot but I do know one thing.

He most likely knows everything about me.

Coming to this conclusion was slightly alarming, and I definitely should have thought more in depth about it sooner but regardless, this is something I'm coming to terms with now.

At one point it makes me feel naked, completely exposed; being in your underwear in front of the whole school kind of terrifying - and knowing that he might have some sort of CD with all of my most personal information on it makes me want to hide in a hole for the rest of my life.

But, nonetheless, as long as he helps me with this Ronnie thing - I couldn't really give a shit what he has. I've never had that much of a personal life anyway - and definitely didn't own a cellphone before eighteen unless it was used simply for a translator app. I never really had the chance to fuck up on the internet before adulthood.

To be even more honest, I've never really had friends my whole life as I'm sure I've said before. Mary and my brother are the only two I can think of that I've ever told personal things, but all my life it was face to face.

There shouldn't be too many embarrassing things, right? Definitely nothing illegal.

I didn't really have much more time to reflect on it before I had officially decided to go back to work, so I swiftly did my morning routine and then hurriedly made my way out of the apartment.

I didn't run this time, but I hopped on the subway, and arrived there an hour late.

There were no cameras, flashing lights, screaming people or even nosy reporters. I thanked God that the drama must have died down, and that all could go back to.. normal?

I feel like I haven't been working there long enough for me to have developed a 'normal' there.

The first face I see is.. Gideon. Lovely.

"Bes! Wow, you finally made it back." He marveled.

"Yes. I sure did."

"That's amazing." I paused at his comment.

Somethings.. off, here..

"I just can't believe how you kept your job this entire time."

I almost spit my gum at him.

"Wow. What do you mean?"

"Lots of people who do what you did don't come back," He looked around the room nervously and then whispered, "it's.. not safe here."

His quivering voice and panicked breath led me to believe that he was telling me the truth.

"You have to be careful, Bes." He whispered, turned around and made his way back to his office.

I stood there shocked, mouth agape.

Never have I ever felt so shook.

Gideon's words sent a chill down my spine and made me become terrified in an instant, and I even began looking around in paranoia — much like Elliot does.

I glanced around the room and looked at everyone at their desk, not making a single noise.

They were all facing... me. Fingers still. Mouths closed. Eyes.. facing me.

Everyone in this room is staring at me right now, and I'm about to pass out.

My head is what hits the floor first when I fall.

While I tried to decipher the background noise, the main thing I kept hearing was, "It was just a prank!" In many different voices.

Finally everything became muffled, and I didn't hear a thing.

My eyes, still open, watch people scuffle around to help me and it isn't for a long time until I finally hear a voice again.

I can't remember who it was, but it was male. I couldn't necessarily make out what they were saying, either. Everything was hazy, but I was not in any form of coma.. just.. very, very dizzy.

I wake up with a gasp, and look in both directions.

The blinding white room gave me a headache at first, accompanied by the slow beep of the monitor.

"Bes," I heard my brother say apprehensively.

I just look at him and begin to cry.

Being still completely groggy, I wanted to try and explain myself but I just couldn't make the words come out of my mouth.

I wanted to badly just to tell him all the things I've been feeling and how it's gotten to this - but I just couldn't.

After all these years, I'm still mute.

After previously taking it on as a choice in childhood, it's become natural for me and is just starting to become the natural way to deal with things.

It shouldn't be like this, but it is and there's nothing else I can say for now.
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I edited this chapter in 2019 because wow did I use the word 'quickly' more than any human being should.