there's a good reason this title is so long, you just haven't figured it out yet

god i want to learn guitar more than i've wanted anything in my entire life

this is going to be me ranting about something because i'm stupid so if you don't wanna read that go away
(but to be fair this whole book has been me ranting about things because im stupid so)

anyway

so i've been playing the piano for a couple of years and i love it, i really do but i've kinda lost interest recently. the reason for this is that i give an exam at the end of every year and i have to practice for that and ugh it's just kinda limiting? like i wanna learn to play the things i like but no im stuck with stupid shit. and i have no choice but to finish this fucking exam so i might as well do the best i can

and here's where the problem arises

the exam has grades (im not gonna go into it because it stresses me out) and to complete the whole thing it takes a few years. and im in grade 3 right now but there's still like 5-7 grades left. and i really fucking want to stop taking part in this goddamn exam but a part of me feels obligated to just push through? and i fucking know i'm going to regret it a shit ton and i know it's going to stress me out and make me really unhappy but i don't want to give up? idk i don't think i can ever do anything right so even if i end up making the 'right decision' im going to find a way to make it my fault :')

man i love my brain

ever since i was like seven or eight i've wanted to play guitar REALLY badly. and i don't understand why i don't just fucking do it because it's not like im not sure if i want to i really fucking want to

so i think im gonna finish this exam as best as i can and then finally try the instrument ive been dreaming about for like five years

jesus why couldn't i have just chosen guitar in the first place why why why

but my parents are okay with whatever i do and i appreciate that :)

maybe i could teach myself guitar regularly and sometimes mess around on the piano for fun? i think that's the only way i'll like it again

this exam is supposed to look good on your cv which is part of the reason why i've been doing it but JESUS CHRIST THAT'S A HORRIBLE REASON

i don't really care i just spend a lot of time doing this and i might as well do something i'll actually like

did this even make sense idrk

oN ANOTHER NOTE i made a new poetry book go check it out if you want (shut up this is my book i can do shameless self promo if i want to fuck off) it's about an unhealthy, slightly manipulative and (kinda) verbally abusive family relationship that's super personal to me

alrighty hope you're all doing well

ily

take a shower
drink some water
eat your veggies
relax
take a minute for yourself
and breathe
you are safe and loved and important

stay safe x