Her Secret

four | old and new

I made eye contact with Zaina in chemistry.

She looked so sad. Why is she sad?

She needs to be angry. She needs to hate me.

When our eyes connected, I could see the pain she's in just by looking at me. Her deep brown eyes, that always held so much happiness, were sad. Because of me.

At least she looks good still. Her brown skin is as smooth as before, her long dark brown hair is still straight, still resting right above her bum. Almost like no time has passed.

But of course, time has passed. A lot of time. One whole year. Twelve months. Fifty-Two weeks. 365 days.

And within that time, a lot has happened. Too much has happened. Nothing will ever be the same again.

But I don't have time to dwell. I don't have time to think about how much pain and sadness I've caused my friends. Because if I do, if I think about it, I'll run back to them and beg. Beg for their forgiveness, for their love, and for their support. And I'll tell them my secret. The secret I've worked so hard to keep.

I'll tell them everything. Tell them why I pushed them away, why my once long hair that I loved so much is now resting above my shoulders, tell them why I'm so pale. Tell them why I went crazy about a year ago. Why I partied every chance I got, kissed every cute boy I could. Why I experienced as much as I could before I shut myself down, and everybody else out.

I'll tell them I'm dying. And that I need them more than I need anything else.

Good thing the bell brings me out of those thoughts. 

I'm now swerving my way through the crowded halls, trying to ignore how nauseous I am, and  get to english on time. 

That's a problem I should be thinking about. My english project.

I mean, it's Zach Dawson. Maybe he'll let me do it all by myself so I won't have to worry about a schedule. Because cancer doesn't care about your plans. Trust me on that one.

I get to class just as the bell is ringing, and take my seat in the back, passing Noah on my way there.

Seeing him ignore me is hard. But having to watch him watch me die would be harder.

When I sit down, Mrs. Raj tells us to get in our pairs, and begin planning our project. Saying this is the only day in class we'll have to plan everything out, and the rest will have to be done on our own time.

Right as she finishes saying this, Zach walks in, and comes right to his seat beside me, while ignoring everybody else.

A few seconds after he sits down I deicide to just get this over with now. No point in delaying the inevitable.

"So listen, I'm really busy after school, and I'm assuming you are too. So instead of having to find time to meet up to work on this, I'll just do it by myself and put both of our names on it. Sound fair?"

Zach crosses his arms, and turns to me, with a stone cold face and says "Fine."

Good talk.

After my little talk with Zach, I decided to doodle and let my thoughts wonder. Which is a dangerous thing to do. It's something I shouldn't do. But I don't have too much control over it these days.

As I'm drawing little swirls on my paper, I think about why I keep thinking about everything lately.

Usually I'm good. Usually I can successfully distract myself with books, and netlifx, and music. But lately it's not working.

Maybe it's because I'm closer to death than before. I mean second round of chemo and radiation is never a good sign. Maybe I'm getting sentimental. Maybe this is the slideshow of my life before my death.

As this thought crosses my mind, my pen movements get harsher, and my brows furrow in confusion.

All I'm thinking about are my regrets? The things I miss? The things I wish went differently, but didn't and can only blame myself? That's not a good sign.

My pen is suddenly ripped from my hand, and I look up to see an annoyed Zach.

I raise my brow in question, and hold my hand out while saying "Uh, do you mind?"

He looks at me with pure frustration and annoyance, moving my pen farther from my reach while saying "Yeah I do mind. You keep banging your elbow into my arm. So stop."

My brows are now furrowed in confusion. I was hitting him? 

"Oh well sorry, I didn't realize."

He now looks as confused as I do, rubs his arm and says "How the hell didn't you notice? Your boney ass elbow probably left a bruise."

I deicide to ignore the jab about my weight; no matter how insecure I am about it. And roll my eyes and say "Oh stop being dramatic. My tiny ass elbow probably did nothing but annoy you. Now do you mind? I want my pen back so I can finish my doodles."

Amusement began dancing in his grey eyes and he says "And what will you give me once I give return you pen, Lenny?"

I frown. Lenny? Is Zach Dawson flirting with me?

No, of course he's not.

He then leans in closer, so close that I can feel his breath on my face, on my lips. And whispers "Because believe me, I can think of more than a few things."

Then the bell rings, he tosses me my pen and says "See ya tomorrow, Lenny."

No.

I have locked everyone I have ever loved out. I have pushed them away and kept them at at least an arms length. 

And there is absolutely no way, that I will let Zach Dawson be the thing that makes me open up again.

No. Freaking. Way.

----

Today is one of the rare days that I don't have a doctors appointment or therapy. So instead I am able to go right to my piano at home.

Whenever I am at home, I'm either playing the piano or the guitar, am sick, or am actually doing school work.

Gotta keep busy somehow. 

I deicide to play "You Found Me" by The Fray.

"Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found meWhy'd you have to wait
To find me?
To find me?"

Who am I waiting for? Nobody? Everybody? Somebody?

I wish I knew.