Her Secret

twenty two | sorry

Zach and I had just entered the living room when everybody went dead silent. Dylan looked tense and reading his angered face, I can tell he had told them to play nice. Noah, Daniel, and Zaina looked as though they were about to burst with curiosity and it was all too overwhelming.

I forced myself to take a deep breath and to focus on Zach's body heat from behind me. I know he'd let me hold his hand during this, mentally and physically, but this is something I need to do on my own.

"Hi guys." I say a lot weaker than I care to admit. I should have had this talk before I shaved my head because that's one of my main thoughts right now. I'm also desperately trying not to think about all of my memories with these guys, because I'll overwhelm myself with the fact that they deserved a hell of a lot more than this.

"Hi guys?" Noah exasperates as he stands up and throws his hands in the air. "You've ignored us for a year, you're bald, and you're friends with Zach Dawson now. And that's all you're going to say!?"

"Sit your ass down." Zach growls out as he makes a move to get closer to Noah which I intercept.

"What's going on, Leena?" Daniel worriedly asks. I know they're all worried, even Noah, this is how they used to react and the familiarity makes me relax a little bit.

"I, um." I stutter before clearing my throat. "I didn't just randomly stop talking to you guys." I breathe out as I try to steel myself for how quickly this conversation could take a turn.

"What do you mean?" Zaina frustratedly asks, a clear sign for me to get on with it.

Zach subtly takes a step closer to me, allowing his alluring scent to wrap itself around me in an untouchable blanket, which gives me the courage I need to get through this.

"A couple of weeks before it happened, I was having all of these sick episodes. We didn't know what it was and my parents were getting scared so they took me to the doctors." I explain and I try and feel out their reactions, which I can tell are growing with realization and worry by the second.

"After too many tests to be able to remember they diagnosed me with Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, which is their fancy ass way of saying I have cancer in my white blood cells and immune system. I kind of shut down after hearing about it, and at first I went a bit party crazy as you guys probably remember." I explain.

And it's true, when I found out I kind of lost it. When you hear about cancer you automatically associate it with death, and there began my belief of my imminent death. I decided I needed to have as many experiences as I could manage, and apparently that meant getting drunk at high school parties.

Sophia said it was my attempt at making myself feel something other than negative emotions, and that's probably my reasoning. She said I slept with that guy because I thought it would help me bond with someone in a way I felt like I needed, which didn't work.

"When I shut down, that also meant distancing myself from everybody. I thought that I was dying, and I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want my hope, and my life dangled in front of me until it was taken away. And I didn't want to see that look in your eyes that you all have right now." I continue as I see a mix of confusion on all of their faces.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper as my eyes start to water. "You guys deserved a lot better than this."

The temptation of running away, of fleeing this scene is too strong. The look of confusion and devastation on all of their faces is enough to make me cough out a sob, and standing here waiting for their words is almost too much for me to deal with. But I can't let myself run from them again, they don't deserve that.

"Leena." Zaina mumbles out through watery eyes. "I don't know what to say."

"I don't." I cough out before being able to continue. "I don't expect anything from you guys, but this has been eating at me and I couldn't ignore it any longer. I feel terrible and I know my apology can only go so far."