When in Paris

(10) Ten

Chapter 10

Cathreese knew it was stupid, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Nathan was always staring at her. Even now, as they lay in the darkened living room of his cousin's cramped apartment, she could feel his eyes on her.

"Nathan?" she whispered.

"What?" his voice drifted up from the floor, where he was tangled in a sheet. He had gallantly offered her the couch for the night and refused to take no for an answer. They had put aside their differences from this morning, acting like the whole first half of the day hadn't happened. It was better that way and the pair of them had had a ton of fun at the zoo.

"What was your favorite part of the zoo?" Cathreese had no idea where she had asked that. It was like something her mom would say.

"Umm I liked the snow leopard. And the chameleons in the reptile house were pretty cool. What about you?"

"Tigers." Cathreese rolled over on the couch, sneaking a peek down at him as she twisted around. He was staring at the shadowy ceiling, not at her. She pulled the musty sheet closer around her body just in case. In her haste to pack she had forgotten pajamas and she was dressed in a large gray tee-shirt that Nathan's cousin told her she could keep. She had nothing to wear on the bottom so she had slipped off her shorts once she got under the blanket and Nathan had turned his back. He had pointed out that she was breaking rule number one but she just threw a pillow at him and he shut up.

"Why?"

Cathreese was surprised that Nathan had responded and she looked down at him in curiosity, "Why are the tigers my favorite?"

"Yeah," his eyes flickered to hers briefly. Even in the dark, his blue irises were more vivid than anything she had ever seen. And that included the gorgeous green of the French countryside.

Cathreese had never thought about it before. Tigers had just always been her favorite animal and she never felt the need to question the reasoning behind it. "Well I guess because they're so beautiful. They're so large and deadly, yet so incredibly gracefully. They really are gorgeous animals. And I guess I like that they can swim, when most cats tend to stay away from the water. Did you see their paws? They were like the size of my head. I don't see how something that large can move like those cats do. It's like ballet. Graceful and delicate, yet powerful at the same time."

Nathan didn't say anything as his eyes went back to tracing patters on the ceiling.

"Was that the wrong answer?"

Nathan laughed gently, "There's no right or wrong answer Ree. It was an opinion question."

"You didn't say anything so I thought maybe what I said was stupid."

"No," Nathan said, a little too forcefully in the quiet of the darkened room, "don't ever think something you say is stupid. Don't doubt yourself Cathreese."

"Are you all right?" He seemed a little on edge.

"Yeah I'm fine." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, closing his eyes. "It's just Kylie."

"What about her? Do you miss her?"

"I used too. For about the first week after we broke up. But then she was ... different. She got mean, really mean."

"Why are you thinking about her now then? Do I remind you of her?"

"No," he laughed, "and that's a good thing. I was just thinking about her because I always worried about what I said around her. As if she would think I was stupid, or inferior, or something. I was never quite myself when I was with her. So that's why I don't think you should worry about what you say around me, or anyone. Cause I don't think you should live in fear of other people's opinions."

Cathreese heard him mutter something under his breath, something that made her think twice about the cocky boy who had been present this morning. "I care too much about what they think, what everyone thinks. No one knows who I actually am."

"You can be whoever you want around me," she whispered. "I don't know a thing about you. You can mold my thoughts any way you want."

"Will you answer a question for me honestly?"

"Of course."

"Do you like me?" His voice broke when he spoke, giving Cathreese the sense that this was a hard question to ask. He looked scared to know the answer and Cathreese felt a wave of sadness roll over her body. He seemed to think her answer would be no; she could tell by his shallow breathing, the way he clenched his jaw, and the twists of the blanket he was running nervously through his hands.

"Nathan, do you think I would have come with you if I didn't like you?"

"Kylie said you wouldn't like me. She said you would think I was obnoxious, ugly, and a waste of space. She said a girl like you would never give a guy like me a second glance. She said that if you were paying attention to me it was so you would have good material to write home to your friends about for a laugh. She said it didn't matter how nice or how funny or how confident I was. She said nothing I did would ever be enough to make you be my friend. She said that you would hate me just like everyone at school does."

Nathan yawned and rolled over, "I can stop caring what they think, cause I have a friend now. You." Seconds later he was asleep, the sound of his easy breathing the only noise that mattered.

Cathreese wrapped her arms around herself, giving Nathan's words a chance to sink in. She remembered what he'd told her earlier, about how Kylie liked to play pranks on him. She remembered the way he ducked his head when they had been walking on the streets and a kid who looked their age had glanced their way. She remembered the tiredness in his eyes as Ky accused him of crimes he had never committed. She thought about the time they'd spent together today. He had seemed to open up as soon as they had escaped Paris. He smiled more, sang loudly, and chatted up random strangers on the street. He had been comfortable, she realized. That's why he thought it was okay to tease her and why he tried to playfully seduce her with the strip tease earlier. He was coming out of the shell he had created for himself after his breakup with her cousin.

When she stepped into the cemetery this morning, Cathreese thought she was the one who needed to get out and live. Now she realized that Nathan also needed. Maybe even more than she did.

Because he too lived in fear.

Unlike her, it wasn't a fear of the unknown, a fear of being unprepared. His was a fear of the known, of the teases and catcalls he knew his classmates would dish out. He feared being teased and being an outcast at the hand of his ex-girlfriend. This trip was his escape from it all. This trip was a place where no one knew his name or his story. This was a place where he wouldn't have to worry about the biggest fear of all.

He was afraid that the words Kylie spoke to him were correct.

Cathreese could see it now, the fire and anger on her cousin's face when Nathan had been at the airport. Cathreese had brushed it off as post-breakup stress, but now she saw it for what it really was. Malice, hate, a hint of regret.

Kylie was trying to do what she thought Nathan had done to her.

Make him feel that he alone, as he was, just wasn't good enough.

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- C o o k i e :)