DEFIANT | Carl Grimes

15: this side of the wall

i slam the front door behind me and come into the living room. i hear footsteps hurry over to me. "jade," i hear daryl and he helps me with stability. "what's wrong?"

"everyone here," i sigh and go over to carl's things and start looking through his stuff for something to wear. i take a deep breath and let it all out. "they're weak. they're so weak. they walk around inside these walls like there's nothing going on outside. i've watched people be torn apart. i've been with group after group after group and each one was so bad in their own way. i've been hurt and people have harmed me just to do it. gareth was literally eating people but none of these people know anything. i can't sit down without feeling every scar on my body. i had to watch my dad lose his compassion for people. i've seen too many things. carl, he gets along so well with people and i can't do that. i can't just forget. i see people and i think about all the ways i'm going to sneak away from them. he's going to become like them and yes, he deserves this but i don't wanna see him change. then he just brings so much attention to me while i'm silently freaking out, trying to play it off in front of the others. i just can't deal with him and this whole new place thing right now."

i finally grab some clothes and turn around seeing daryl and now rick and... carl. "i was just coming to say that i was going to go outside the gate to examine the perimeter," rick says, looking awkward by what i've just said. daryl gives rick a look and they both look at carl and daryl hurries out after rick.

carl closes the door behind them and turns back to me slowly. "so what? i embarrass you?" he asks. "you think i'm going to become weak? you can't deal with me? i've embarrassed you?" his voice gets louder.

"carl," i say.

"you know i got up to come check on you because right after you left i realized how not caring i probably sounded," he says.

"carl."

"you're too scared to tell some people about some thing that happens to you and i'm the weak one?" he spits and i take a step back.

"are you calling me weak?" i ask and i furrow my eyebrows.

"what? are you embarrassed?" he asks and i laugh in shock. i can't believe this.

"i didn't want them staring at me, thinking i look like an idiot because of what's happened," i say.

"jade, they're just burns and cuts. everyone gets them. i've gotten them but God forbid i want to cry every time i think someone's staring at them," he fires at me.

"i can't do this," i put my arms up and go for the stairs. "after everything."

he grabs my wrist. "why's it such a big problem?" he asks. i turn back and pull my arm from his grip.

"because of you." i scream at him and continue to do so. "because as those people held me to the ground, hurting me the only thing i could think of was you. i was so worried that when you found me in the woods, it'd be the last time you'd see me and i didn't want you to keep that last image of me. i wasn't supposed to wake up, carl. i was supposed to go. that was my time. everyone gets burned? everyone gets cut? i have to undress myself with my eyes closed because i think it's so ugly. every scar reminding me of my life. i see these scars and i can see my mom. i can see hershel, beth, tyreese, my dad and it all hurts, but then i see you and you telling me we'll get through it and i think maybe, just maybe i will be okay," he reaches for me but i move back. "you know a day ago i was the strongest person you knew, right? you're the one that made me so soft. i was just fine on my own. i think it'd be better that way."

"jade..." he says quietly. "let's talk about this."

"go carl," my voice cracks and he slowly walks out. i wait a while before going outside and find that he's already far down the street, going after enid, who i can see sneaking over the wall. i close the door behind me and sit on the porch.