Reaper [Zarry]

death nineteen

"Harry," my voice breaks. I'm choking on a sob. It gets caught in the back of my throat, my fragile heart shattering as I place my hand over his forehead.

He looks so beautiful; so serene.

"Just like this Zayn. I'd let death take me."

"I'm sorry," I weep softly. "I warned you so many times, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I love you. I'll always love you," warm tears prick my eyes.

My hand moves over his chest, a sinking feeling settling in.

I swallow thickly, bite my bottom lip until it bleeds. The tears start streaking down my cheeks and just won't stop.

No lull of his heartbeat. No familiar tick. No comfort as I take his fingers in mine.

Just stone cold, cheeks the color of porcelain.

"I did this," I whisper, a mixture of rage and heartache and hopelessness consuming me.

Then sorrow. An overwhelming wave of it knocking the breath straight out of me. My body is racked with sobs.

I gather him up in my arms.

Nothing has ever hurt like this.

"Please forgive me. Please angel. I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to quit your job," I sniffle. "Wanted you to fill a whole photo album of us, wanted to spend every waking moment with you, sneaking kisses and sharing laughter. I believe in God. I believe in miracles...I believe in angels," I stroke his hairline. "I loved you so fully, so deeply I was willing to give you the world. I hope you realize that. I'd string up all the stars and bring them to you. You didn't deserve this. You deserved to grow fat and old and happy. I would have been right there with you and loved you just the same. We could have started a family...your eyes always lit up when you saw a kid or held a chubby baby in your steady arms. I can see a tiny finger latching with yours," my heart swells as I wipe away my tears. "She'd be beautiful, eyes just like you. Bubble baths and lullabies. I didn't know your voice was so mesmerizing. I'd do anything to listen to you sing again. Anything to kiss you, make love to you. You always made me feel complete. Now...I feel as though half of me is missing and I want nothing more than to die by your side. Death has never sounded so beautiful."

The realization of it all dawns on me.

I killed him.

We had more time but I knew I couldn't avoid it forever.

My body is trembling so bad, nose nudging the crook of his neck, his messy chocolate curls tickling my skin.

"I wanted more dates. I wanted to make you feel special. Nobody will ever compare to you Harry Styles. Never," I whisper. "But I don't regret us. I'd fall for you again a thousand times over. You taught me how to love myself but all that time I kept falling harder for you. Would you still love me if you knew the truth? I wanted to tell you, we never hid things from each other. You opened up to me and I unravelled for you."

I roll up his shirt and gently kiss his scar. If that's the only mark I left on him I'll hate myself for the rest of eternity.

"You'll never feel hurt again," I murmur, lips skimming his neck and collarbone.

When I kiss his cheek my wet long lashes flutter against his skin, leaving a few droplets. I want to wipe them away but my hand is shaking uncomfortably.

He still smells like warm vanilla and amber. Musky but sweet.

I know that traces of him will fade. His lingering scent on the pillowcase-

It hurts too much to think about it. For now he's still wrapped up in my strong arms.

I'm sure it's the most ironic thing, me enveloping him and kissing him, trying to keep him safe from his fears when I'm death.

When it's already too late.

"You can join your mum now. She'll be so delighted to see you. The lads will miss you but I'll try my absolute best to cheer them up. This is the hardest and harshest reality I've ever had to face. It doesn't feel real...I wish it wasn't angel."

I cling to him, his frigid toes touching mine at the foot of the bed.

For the first time in forever I'm warmer than him. I can't share my heat with him but I pull the covers up around us, nestling deeper. My body is a little radiator, pressed up beside him. I pretend he feels the warmth coming off me. Shivering from my touch and not the cold.

I pretend his heart is beating just as steadily as mine. They beat for each other. I want him to roar with laughter, his body shaking, causing mine to quiver.

His laughter was always so beautiful and pure, his smile so bright it could light up the entire sky.

My lips tingle as I kiss him again. His favorite spot. I'd always get the hint. He'd tilt his neck ever so slightly until my mouth latched on, sucking and biting until he moaned my name.

There are still fresh lovebites on his neck. We has slipping away from me when I left an entire trail.

He probably felt weightless and heavy all at once, like there were strong drugs in his system. I've never seen him come so hard but I'm glad I made him feel that good one last time.

His curls are so soft between my fingers.

The night gives me comfort. Everything will change when I see him in the harsh sunlight.

Come morning he'll be-

He wanted to be cremated. I know exactly where to spread his ashes.

"I'm so glad you weren't afraid of me angel. I tried to take you gently."

His pillowcase is creased from his cheek. I hope it stays like that forever.

I've known about this for quite some time now

but I don't think my heart will ever be ready to move on.

A/N: IF YOU OR A LOVED ONE HAS EXPERIENCED SHOOKNESS CALL 1-800-SHOOK