Just an Ordinary Girl

39 - Shattered Heart

I feel this greyness hanging over me; let down by previous partners who take much more than they give, who have shared my life. There is only myself to depend on when the going gets tough apart from my closest friends and family.

I don't think it's too much to expect a man you share your life with, if your relationship is serious, to have your back when I would for them.

So now I feel battered and bruised and resistant to losing my heart or giving too much again.

The realisation I felt so alone although  in a long term relationship was a big deciding factor on escaping a life that didn't fulfil what I wanted or needed to make me feel loved or appreciated.

Maybe relationships don't last forever. Perhaps they can only be for a period of time. I wonder do I expect too much and is it an illusion to dream of sharing my life with someone who wants to share instead of just take? I guess the jury is out on that one. To have someone who just once would surprise me with something amazing. Not necessarily expensive but thoughtful is my dream. It's the little things and the attention to detail that mean so much.

Money just makes you comfortable, it pays for the heating to warm your house but it doesn't stir your heart or make your pulse race. It's important in a relationship to be there when it counts. At least that's how I see it.

It's strange how my mother's dying turned the wheels in motion for change and now they can't rewind, it's too late.

I don't want ordinary. I want magic. Less is nothing. That's my shopping list. I guess I must be greedy, because yes I want it all.

My cat curls up beside me. She senses my grief as she follows me around the house, and sits wherever I write and comforts me as I sleep. I am sure she has cloned into a dog. She can feel my heartache and somehow my fingers stroking her coat calms me.

I believe out there is a special person for everyone but that sometimes we miss them like sliding doors, the chance taken by a series of events. If you meet someone who lasts your lifetime then you have found a rare gem amongst the rough. A partner should add colour to your life and laughter not deliver up disappointment.

My life is full and I am not lonely. I will take a deep breath, brush myself down and see what happens. Life is an adventure. There's no rush and I feel the need to take my time.

Tomorrow is a new day. The weather report says the sun will be shining.

Yeah I know it's pitch perfect songs... and they are cheesy, .but hey as a lot of you know, I use to sing and they are great feel good songs....girl power lol

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Many thanks, Kimberley S B Lieb