Cowboy Take Me Away

Wasted Time

January, 9th 2018

Dear Joural, 

       Today is the day. The day where I had no idea if it would ever come. It doesn't seem real to me. When Desiree told me Cooper was getting released, I thought I had imagined it. But no, its real. I have no idea what I am going to say to him. There are a million things I could say to him, but none seem to be the right thing to say to him. Is it a 'say what comes to mind' thing or is it a very planned out conversation? I'm just going to go with what comes to my mind when I see him. 

Last night after I broke the pitcher, everyone looked at me like I was some old-crazy-loony person. And I called off my plans with Ryder because I know I would of been distracted the whole time. I couldn't do that to Ryder. Be with him, but be thinking of Cooper the whole time. I didn't tell anyone what happened, Desiree said she wasn't even suppose to tell me, so I shouldn't tell anyone else. And I won't because I know people will be all up in my grill about it. Some might tell me to go, and some would heavily disagree with it. 

How will he respond when he sees me? That's what I'm most scared about. I have no idea what will happen. Something inside me begs for me to see him, talk to him, or even just to hear him. It's been a year and half since I've last seen or heard him. I just need to know. 

I close my journal and throw it on my chair and then I grab my phone and open up my messages app. I created a new one and type in Cooper's name. I stare at it and start to debate with myself. What could hurt? "If you want to talk, meet me at Reza's at 10." I hold my finger over the send button, not sure if I should actually send it. 

Eff it, I press send and then throw my phone on my bed, as if he'll see it right away and make his decision. But in reality, I have no idea when he gets released. I have got to find something to keep me busy throughout the day. Because if I don't, today is going to be a very long day. And I knew what to do once I looked at my sewing machine. I offered to save Taylor some money by sewing the bridesmaid dresses myself, and she happily agreed. 

I haven't finished one, and there's six of us. So yeah, I'm behind. This is the perfect thing to keep me busy and keep him off my mind. 

I moved my sewing machine in front of my window so I got good lighting and could see outside. Then I went to my closet and pulled out the fabric of the dresses and laid them out neatly on my floor. Next I turned on my music to a Cody Jinks music station and began sewing. 

In the span of five hours, and many needle pokes on my fingers, I managed to finish two dresses. I put one dress on the manequine of the right size, and stood back and admired it. Taylor really picked out a great design and pattern. They were sexy but elegant at the same time, just like Taylor. I know each bridesmaid would look stunning in it.