Ordinary?

I will never drink coffee again

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, holy fuck!" I scream as I realize whats going on. My mother is looking at me through the rear view mirror. "Holy shit, I hate you!" I scream at her, still not believing everything.

My mother turns around and gives me a warning look, then turns away from me to let me vent, my dad says nothing. I bang my head on the window and think about what an idiot I was to get me into this situation. I guess it all started last Saturday. I will never drink coffee again.

I was so excited to talk to Mindy over a cup of coffee. When I told Josie she warned me, but I didn't take it to heart. No one else I told seemed to thrilled about it either. But being an idoit I am, I went. It was fun too, until I decided to confide with her. I told her everything, how I cut myself, how depressed I get sometimes, and how I have even tried to hang myself a few times.

It felt really great to tell someone. Of course she doesn't know everything, nobody will ever know everything about me. I like to have secrets, it keeps things interesting. When I told her all of this, I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for. She seemed more horrified of it all, then concerned. Sympathy is always the first emotion I get when I tell someone. Always. Sympathy may have crossed her mind, but she didn't show it. I could tell that all she wanted to do, was fix me so I was perfect again.

Good god, I mean I'm depressed, not a human mutation! I didn't even tell her I am dating a girl yet! Well with a reaction like that, she's never going to know. But I felt horrible tell her what I had, and was depressed all weekend. Who knows what made me snap, but all the little things of Monday and Tuesday mornings stressed me out. Not even Madison's smiling face snapped me out of my low. By the time Tuesday afternoon rolled around I had refused to take my ear buds out and talk to anyone since Saturday. I got home, tried to do my homework, but needless to say, I didn't understand it the slightest bit.

I didn't know what to do. I felt like crap and didn't what to talk to anyone about it. I felt this way every time my parents drag me to therapy. They just sit there and force you to talk about things you would rather not let leave your own mind. Its not like they care, they just want money. I would rather tell everything to Josie, she's better than any therapist, cause she cares. But talking doesn't solve everything, specially when you really don't know what your feeling. Am I angry? At myself or at Mindy? I have no reason to be mad at Mindy so I would go with myself. Am I depressed? No duh on that one. Am I bored? Again, I wouldn't be doing this damned mental check list if I wasn't. I sighed and laid back on the floor, hitting my head hard, but pay no attention to the pain.

I just sat there for a bit listening to the music shuffle. I don't even remember what played. I was off in my own world. My world of nothing. Is this what death is like? I think I wondered, as the next thing I remember, the rope was in my hands. Its a thin rope that I acquired from the garage some time back, after learning over dosing and drowning myself doesn't really work.  

My hands automatically tie the knot without thinking. I have done it so many times, I am an expert at tying a noose. I was nervous, I get that way every time I have these thoughts. I sit there untying and retying the knot. I do that for a bit before I loop it around my neck. And of course at this moment my door burst open. I don't know why I didn't hear the phone ring or my parents running up the stairs, but there they were, standing in front of me, with a fucking noose around my neck. No fucking way  was I getting out of that one.

So back to me banging my head against the window in my stupidity. I mean who wouldn't? I hadn't even tried to hang myself yet when my parents came in. They took one look at me and dragged me out o the car. It only took me a moment to figure out where we were going, but it took longer for me to realize what this means. I am going to a fucking phyco- ward, cause I am suicidal. All beacuase I got caught in the act.

"Stupid, so fucking stupid!" I mumble to myself as I bang my head harder.

My mother looks at me. "Abigail, don't do that."

"Why? I'm already fucking crazy, right?" I glare at her and she turns back around.

Parents are stupid. You say you are depressed, they give you to a therapist. You say your suicidal, they take you to the fucking psych ward. They don't want to deal with you so they give you to "professionals". Fuck medical degree's and all their physiological shit, they just see a kid and declare them depressed to get their parents to pay a whole lot of money to make them "happy kids" again.

We finally arrive at the hospital at 11:30 at night. I didn't realize how long I had been zoned out before the whole noose thing. The hospital was only fifteen minutes away due to the lack of traffic and that time was easily filled with reflecting upon my idiocy.

They sign me in and go over the rules.

#1: Shoes must be safety regulated.

Ya, cause we can totally kill our self's walking down the hallway.

#2: No electronics.

That means no texting and/or calling Madison or Josie. Fuck my life.

#3: Breakfast, lunch and dinner will be held in the cafeteria, but you may skip and have food sent to your room.

Sounds relaxing.

#4: You may sleep as late as you please

Hey, maybe this place isn't so bad.

#5: Free time, which is majority of the afternoon and evening, can only be spent in the pool, game room, lounge, or your bed room.

THEY HAVE A POOL!!!

#6: You will be monitored in the pool area.

Meaning, Its impossible to kill your self in the pool, so don't even try. With the paper work I had to fill out stating "I will not try to cause myself any harm while in pool area" backing up my statement.

#7: Physical contact with other residents is forbidden.

Take back recent comments, this place is fucked up.

#8: Group therapy will be held daily after lunch.

Fuck.

#9: One on one therapy will happen daily as well, but times may very.

FUCK

#10: You are allowed to have non- family visitors once a week on Saturday.

Fuck my life.

Luckily my shoes meet requirements and I am allowed to go up to my room. I see one boy in the hallway, but he just stares at me as I am escorted to my room. I sigh as I enter my room, dreading tomorrow when I am forced to go to group therapy and "make friends" will all the other phycopathies. I guess the room isn't too bad, its small, but cozy in a way. I set the few belongings my parents brought down and fall on the bed. I don't say good bye to my parents. Unfortunately I know they will be back. A nurse comes in and gives me a pill. I know obviously it is a sleeping pill. I could probably fall asleep without it, but I never turn down drugs. Just minutes after I ingest the pill, my eyelids are too heavy to bear.  I snuggle under the covers and let myself drift off in to the peaceful darkness.

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Okay, sorry this is a short chapter, but i'v been kinda lazy lately and this is all I wrote....

Anyway... thing will start to slow down and make more sense, cause a LOT of shit is going to happen! Keep things exciting!!!!!!

So who else thinks Abigail is an idoit? Please tell me I an not the only one!

Oh, and dedicated to TheNinjaWriter cause she sorta helped me with this chapter... I have a bad memory, so I was like rolling around on the floor trying to remebmer this time... She also helped me with spelling, cause you all know I suck with that....

Well, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

Please, comment, criticize, or even vote! Anything is good for me!

lots of love!

~Josie