Avengers X-Reader Volume 1

I Like You, but I'm Fucked Up

"Are you sure you're alright, your concentration hasn't been here lately?" Steve asked, after he pinned me to the ground.

"You're getting slow," Natasha huffed, knocking me back against the ropes of our training ring.

"Are you still in sweats? You do have other clothes right?" Clint snickered, patting my arm.

"(Y/n), do you need me to brush your hair, maybe we could go to the salon?" Wanda asked, frowning at the greasy pile of dark hair bunched on top of my head. "How about a hot bath?"

"I need you on task, do you understand? You've been off for the last two weeks, and we can't afford any mistakes, is that understood soldier? I don't want to have to demote you, but I will, if you can't get your act together." Fury huffed, while passing me a few complaints the team had had about my behaviour.

He was right, and I couldn't blame him, nor the team. For two weeks, I couldn't do anything right, and I slipped farther down into a familiar melancholoy, which never boded well for me, but it'd been so long since I had an episode. So long in fact I stopped worrying about getting depressed, or suicidal.
I had only been with the Avengers for six months, and while I was welcomed onto the team with smiles and open arms, there was still a wariness I felt from some of them, especially Tony and Natasha. In a way I understood their trepidation. They were happy with their team, then Fury added me, without consent or discussion. Basically, they were forced to accept a new recruit, one they had no experience with or knowledge about, till Fury presented them with my file.
I was top of my class at the Naval Academy at Annapolis, graduating and automatically going into the Marines. I happened to be one of the first female soldiers to be trained specifically for the front lines, but after waiting, and coming to the aid of the Avengers during the New York seige, I served what was left of my time, discharged, and joined SHIELD.
Joining SHEILD was altogether a new experience for me, not only in organization, but training as well. One minute I was training with new weaponry, guns, whips, tasers, to being trained on how to use feminine wiles in order to get into places they needed. It was a tiring, yet an exhilarating experience, and it prepared me for saving the world, which is what I was here for, what I went to school for.
Six months in and everything seemed to be going okay. Missions were exciting, and I proved myself over and over on the field, as well as off, but when I finally met Thor, everything seemed to click into place. He was boisterous, and hilarious, tall and handsome, a god, but strikingly down to earth. I couldn't help laughing when he was around, nor could he. Thor made it easy to talk to him about things, whatever we wanted, and he'd been more welcoming than most. He was a good friend, and I held a small flame for the illustrious god, but never really thought about going down that line, even though he and Jane had split up months ago. The only other person I adored and got along with was Wanda, and then Steve, but I couldn't really talk to them, like I could Thor. Maybe it was me, or my wariness at making friends and being around new people, or because some of them still felt wayward towards me at best, but I was happy, at least I was.

When I started to slip a few weeks ago, most of them noticed, and made note of it. The comments came later, but made my detachment worse. Thor was gone, in Asgard, and Wanda was in the Midwest with Vision for the next week. Steve was here, but my closest lifelines were gone, and I was swirling the drain. I hadn't had an episode in a few years, I'd almost forgotten about them, and I made the mistake of thinking they were gone. Only to have one sneak up on me and knock me flat on my back. Maybe it was the long hours, or the uncomfortable energy that presented itself with the team, after our missions were done. I didn't know what brought it on, all I knew was that it was hitting me like bullets, and I was bleeding out.
Of course the team took notice, but by their comments and insinuations, they believed I was either getting lazy, or just didnt want to really be there, which wasn't true at all. I wanted to tell them, but I didn't want to think I was a lunatic either..
So, I kept my darkness to myself, but already felt myself getting deeper and darker as the days went by. I was unprepared for this episode, and at a loss at what to do. I trusted the Avengers with my life on the field, but not with this, not after the last two weeks I had with them. I was thirty years old, happy, healthy, had a career, friends, and a soft place to lay my head..
I shouldn't be experiencing something like this, should I?..
What was wrong with me?
Maybe I am lazy?
Maybe I need the demotion?
Maybe this will always be there... I can't fight like this...
It just got worse... and worse... till I couldn't get out of bed, and refused to open the door...
I heard their voices, behind my closed door, but I couldn't get up, nor did I want too. I was barely making it to the bathroom, too pee or puke up bile. I couldn't even remember the last time I ate or showered. I knew my hair was falling out, and my clothes were stiff with sweat. I wanted to get out of bed, my restlessness, and insomnia urging me to do something, but I was too tired.. too lethargic. My stomach was cramping from hunger, but I was too nauseous to eat or think about food. My skin was pale and sallow, and the black bags under my eyes became the dominant feature on my face instead of my green eyes and perfect teeth.
I was passed suicidal thoughts, passed help, I was drifting on a large wave of hopelessness, getting farther down the rabbit hole, while all their voices became one large demeaning one, forcing me into a corner, with no way out.