Messages 2 [COMPLETE]

I dont know anymore

Ya know as much as I'm fine with being single, I kinda sometimes wish I wasnt. But that's only to know the feeling of love again. Something that I just can't seem to remember anymore. I don't know. Hugs even seem emotionless now. It's not been long since my last hug in general, but it's been years since an actual hug. It's been years since I got a hug when crying. I feel nothing. No more shoulders to cry on, no more friends to share things with, no more hugs from mom that used to comfort me. It just feels like I'm being used. By my parents my friends everyone. I know I matter a lot to everyone which is something I honestly hate but I don't matter AS MUCH as they say I do to them. If I died then for a long period of time you'll be sad but you'll get over it soon. U may not be able to replace me but there'll be someone else to think about. I'll just be what I want to be: a piece of nothing. But it'll still hurt all of you so I don't wanna leave. I don't want to live anymore and torture myself but I also don't wanna die and hurt anyone. I don't wanna be a lone but I also don't want to have so many friends, so many people that care about me and love me. Love me too much. And even tho some of u may be thinking you've been through worse, that's a lie. A big fat lie. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know what I'm going through. You really don't know so don't act like you do. I'm not saying I have the worst life. It's FAR from the worst in fact and I like that but I'm saying I don't have an easy one. I don't love it or hate it. Life just feels useless now. I just don't care anymore. I can jump off a building now and not care. I can cut myself and not care. I can get into a car crash and not care. I can do anything and not care rn. I'm not saying I want to or did anything stupidly foolish, I'm just saying if life brings me to that I just wouldn't care. Unlike how before I used to try to run out of the darkness I'm not doing that. But I'm also not standing in it. I'm just walking. Walking in a circle. Realizing it and not caring. I'm just going on in life but not caring. I'm stressing about things like grades and college and my future but I'm not caring about it. It may not sound bad to be ready for anything but in this case it IS. I don't feel human any ore. I feel like a robot. Just there for no reason. I can't even cry. Just let tears out of my eyes when I'm alone not making a single sound and not hurting myself just to make sure no one knows this. You know how before you die ur life flashes through ur eyes? What if everyday ur life flashes. What if everyday u just sit there and remember all the things you did and all the mistakes you made. I feel dead. I just do. Like a living zombie. I wish none of you cared so I can die peacefully but unfortunately for me you all do. I can't hurt any of you like that. But I can't keep hurting myself either. I can't keep living in torture. Just...take a moment and breathe. Just do it. Even if it feels like you can't, just do it. Be happy. I don't care what's going on. Let ur feelings out and rant for a bit. As much as you like. And then just smile. Let that energy in. Spread it. Even if it's as fake or faker than the smile and laugh I put on, just keep doing it. It helps. Just a little but it still does. Most people underestimate my depression. In fact all of you are doing it rn without realizing. U don't know my thoughts but if you did lemmie just tell you, you wouldn't think I was the same. You wouldn't believe that this is the positive and wacky girl you met. I have all of you but I have no one. No one beside me. No one to hug when I'm sad and no one to ever cry with. I don't have a reason to live anymore. I just don't care. I wish I met my soulmate. Just so I can keep going. Heh sometimes I even create scenarios in my head about him. Irl I don't know who this is their name or face. I just made an imaginary character. I made my own love story and I like to pretend it's real. I like to think that even tho I wish I never moved, if I never had I wouldn't have met him and had the best thing in my life ever happen. But then reality kicks in. I remember it was only a dream. That he's not real. I have a backstory and personality for him and everything but once again he's not real. When I'm alone and crying I curl up in a ball and hug myself to pretend that he's hugging me. I tell an invisible soulmate everything. But I always remember he's not real. I wish all of you would know what I think of. If you knew all I've gone through you'd love your lives. I've actually studied about depression and psychology just cuz I like it and learned that I have a special type of depression. People think I'm better than the person constantly cutting themselves since I've never done that and seem pretty happy. But it's proven to be worse than those people. I don't even like how my parents don't realize I'm depressed. I talk so little and am addicted to my phone and feel lazy and rarely eat. Shouldn't those be obvious signs of depression? But they don't realize it. At all. I get how my acting can fool others but I don't act as much around them and they should've been able to notice that their daughter is not the same. I don't know. I don't know and I don't care. I just wish I never existed. That no one knew me. That I'd be able to go in peace. But I can't. I can't live or die. Just be trapped. So the next time you cut yourself remember I'm over here trying not to do anything like that so others won't feel bad. Hopefully you'll understand it's not worth it. I don't know what this is and I'll probably delete it later but I just feel

Dead.