Pieces of Me.

Past Continuous.

12/01/2018

It hurts. Not just my heart, everything.
It hurts because I didn't overcome anything.

There, I said it.

I still think about all those nights I spent scared and alone because my mom was at her boyfriend's . That one time my mother called to ask me to lie to the guy, who she cheated my dad with, that she didn't cheat on him with another guy. I still think about that awful Christmas Eve. That summer she almost got married but ended up calling her ex-boyfriend to pick her up saying her fiancée  was an alcoholic. The times she and my sister would fight because we could hear her screwing her boyfriend from the livingroom.

I still think about the times people made fun of me. The first time they hit me. All those times I was called fat, dumb, ugly. I remember the first time was in the girls' changeroom. The times I locked myself in a bathroom cabin playing with barbies.  The times I didn't want to go to school because of all of those kids who could be so cruel.

I still think about my step-sisters. I can't believe I miss them even after everything they said. They could be so nice and supportive, the mother I didn't have at the time. Maybe that was the problem. They had the wrong place in my life. They could ask me anything I would do it, and they knew that. They knew the power they had in me. And that was when the consequences they talked about stopped being just consequences, and I stopped being just  12 years old.

And of course, me being who I am it didn't end there.

I had to make friends and apparently I am not good at that either. Because these friends I really liked and trusted, were wearing a mask. In front of me they were so worried I had panic attacks, so loving and trustworthy. But in my back, they were laughing and saying all I wanted was attention. 

I had to fall in love with someone that all he thinks about is his rage, and how much he doesn't trust anyone and how his mother tried to kill him but it was a good thing he is worse than her. All those times he made me feel so bad I cried my eyes out until morning, but in the next day he would give me a big hug and say he had a fight with his parents and just took it out on me. It wasn't hard to fall out of love. It wasn't love that hold on to that relationship, it was fear. Because I was always, and still am, afraid of him.

This is the truth. And like most times, the truth hurts.