Pieces of Me.

Tonight, for them.

24/12/2018

"I'm not in the mood for Christmas" - I kept telling myself.

I wasn't. Nobody was.

In the few moments I tried to look at the bright side I thought "maybe it's for the best", "maybe you'll have fun", "you're at least distracted for a while" our even "it's what he would've wanted".

But no, I don't want this, any of this.

I don't want to pretend that just the sight of my mother doesn't bother me. That we have never been more apart.
That right now she is not just a stranger that only causes me pain. A stranger with too many bad memories.

I don't want to pretend I don't feel like my uncle doesn't like me.

I don't want to pretend the amount of people around won't suffocate me. The noise, the talking, laughing, screaming.
They may be my family, but they're still people.
And as of lately... I am too sensitive.

I don't want to pretend that I'm just fine, I'm not. I'm nothing but fine.
I can't stand myself.
I don't understand how anybody can.

I don't want to pretend that this is a happy Christmas.
That my sister didn't just break up with her boyfriend, the man who once was my best friend.
That my father said he didn't want to spend Christmas us.

That a member of this family didn't just die.

But I will. You know why? Because this is not about me.
And I say that I don't want to pretend but I need to. If we give in, if I do, there is no turning back.

They need this, my grandma most of all.
This is my baby cousin's first Christmas, shouldn't we make an effort for her? Shouldn't I?

An effort.
An effort is the best Christmas gift that they'll receive from me.

I will make an effort for my cousin, for my siblings, for aunt and uncle, for my other cousin and her boyfriend and daughter, even for my mom. But specially for my grandma.

I will make an effort.
Tonight, for them.

-

Merry Christmas everyone 🎄✨