Pieces of Me.

Without you.

01/11/2018

I remember the first time I saw you. It was the first day in a new school and I was scared to death. I didn't know my way around so I asked someone directions, I asked you.

This cute guy wearing a suit for some reason, walking through the halls with this easy going aura. But I was so nervous at the time that I completely forgot your name and face as soon as I walked away. Only later I found out it was you. Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful love story but it's far from it.

A few days later I was with my classmates and you appeared out of nowhere and joined us since you were friends with one of the guys that were with me.

Once again I was amazed by your beauty.

You told me what your name was again, a few of your interests and you also told me about your age. You were 20 at the time but it didn't surprise me since we were in a professional school. Even though I was 16 I still wanted a shot with you. Age is just a number they say.

Things escalated pretty fast after that. Too fast. But I wanted someone, I needed someone. I felt so lonely, damaged and sad. And you were always around, so funny and loving, but most importantly you seemed to really care about me and how I felt. I told you everything about me and my past, I trusted you with my life. You told me you were going to save me, and I believed you.

At the time I was a hopeless romantic so how could I say no when the perfect guy was right in front of me, the perfect guy wanted to be with me out of all the beautiful girls at school. So of course it didn't take long for us to start dating. When you asked me to be your girlfriend you warned me you were going to hurt me. I unfortunately didn't think you were serious, I thought it was just one of those typical lines of the books I read.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Because of all the medication and other problems I had going on in my life at the time I don't remember everything clearly, some things are just a blur. But from what I remember you showed your true colours as soon as we started dating.

You were always so jealous of everyone and anyone, always wanting for me to be with you and when I wasn't you needed to know where I was and I needed to be texting you. But oh, that just means he cares, right?

One day you came to me and told me my classmates were saying you were too possessive, remember what I said? "That's none of their business! Fuck them, they don't know what they're talking about," I was the one who clearly didn't know what I was talking about. You were also very harsh and aggressive, but I thought you would never do anything to me.

We were really different people, even though you could be caring when you wanted to, you were always very cold, so in the beginning we fought a lot. Before I lost my strength and courage to answer you.

You always saw me as a child but also expected a lot from me, one of those things being sex. Which didn't surprise me since you were a boy and an adult, but specially because your last girlfriend slept with you the day you two started dating. But I wasn't going to do that. We got in so many fights because of it- not just sex but the excessive touching. You got so angry and so frustrated with me, told me you insisted on the subject because you loved me. I told you I loved you too. I'm not sure if I did at any point, but I'm sure of one thing. At one point I started fearing you.

It was when the pretty words turned into screams and threats. The hugging and kissing turned into arm grabbing and pushing. But I still wanted to be with you, despite all of that. Even when you used my past and decisions against me. The sad events I wish could forget.

I remember walking with your hand in mine, the same hand that earlier that day had been in the throat of other guy, choking him for some dumb reason you thought was a good one. I tried to take my hand away from yours, but of course you didn't let me.

I remember one time you confused me with another girl. She was with a boy walking out of school, they weren't even touching for all I know but that was all it took. I had never seen you so angry. I told you more than a hundred times that it wasn't me but you didn't care. You told me you didn't trust me much before now you didn't trust me at all. But for some odd reason that didn't mean we were going to break up, it only meant that you were going to control me even more.

After that every time you got mad at me you grew more and more aggressive, even physically, but in the end you always gave me a big hug and said you were sorry, that you had a crappy day and just took it out on me.

I was wrong about you. You never had an easy going aura. You were never cute. You were never loving or funny. You never cared about me. Your beauty didn't amaze me anymore, neither did your pretty words. I thought you were the one who'd save me, but you were the one who killed me. The me I once was.

I started to realise I didn't want to be with you anymore but each time I tried to break up you didn't let me. You would threaten me, yell at me, tell me I didn't have anyone else if I didn't have you, that no one else was going to love me again.That I would be all alone. And of course I believed you, so I stayed.

I stayed with you until I couldn't anymore.
I stopped going out, stopped going to school, stopped getting up from my bed.

I thought I couldn't deal with you anymore but in reality I couldn't deal with life. You were the last drop of a full glass. I don't know if it's fortunate or not that I don't remember everything that happened, but I know that if I did I would probably not be here now.

One night I finally broke up with you through text, while I was having a panic attack. You said a lot of cruel stuff but to be honest I was already used to it. I was more afraid of what you were going to do when you caught me on the streets. For days, weeks, months you kept texting me, until one day you just stopped.

On September 12th turned one year since the first time I saw you, and I wish I never did.
To this day I'm still scared you will show up out of nowhere.
You taught me to fear you, but I didn't know I would end up also fearing everybody else. I can't trust anyone anymore, not after everything that happened.
I had to go back to 10th grade, in another school. Start all over again, for the third time.
It stinks, but it's necessary.
I don't know if I will ever see you again, if I will ever find happiness or feel safe again.
I don't even know for how long I will be afraid, but I know life will go on.

Without you.