About to miss everything (Kellic)

Chapter 2: Sad as hell

It's okay if you're unhappy I would say before I leave her. Just take a look around there's no one here that's happy either

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I walked home thinking of the cute new boy in school. He had all the same classes as me except for period one which was great since I really liked him. He was so nice and I was glad he joined Jack and I at lunch. I thought back to what happened when he dropped his pencil and giggled at how cliché it was. I may have developed a small crush on the boy.

Eventually my walk was done and I was back at home. After a long day filled with social interaction, I was drained. My body felt as though it was filled with lead and I could just pass out right now. Walking upstairs was like climbing up a steep hill and I was just exhausted. Finally getting to my room i fell on the bed passing out, not caring that it was 4:30 in the afternoon.

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Waking up after an hour long power nap feels great. I'm sure I won't be sleeping later tonight though. Doesn't matter I probably wouldn't be sleeping anyways.

I head downstairs to get something to eat for supper. Luckily we have leftover pizza, so I don't have to make anything.

After eating i realize that doing homework is something I have to do, but I honestly would rather die. As soon as that thought crosses my mind it's as if I've been pushed out of the plane that is rational thought, and now I'm in free fall.

Would anyone care if I killed myself? I don't think so, if anything I'm sure they'd be relieved. Right? I mean, what would they want some worthless, gay, piece of shit son for? Nothing. I'm so selfish, I should put them out of their misery and just go through with it and kill myself.

With thoughts slamming against my skull and trembling hands, I walk to my underwear drawer where I keep my blades. I take the box out and walk into the bathroom and locking the door behind me.

I turn on the shower not wanting to make a mess that would need to be cleaned up. Slice it into your veins hard and fast, let it bleed everywhere and don't clean it up. I shake my head to get the thought out. I just need to make a few cuts, just to get the release.

My hands are shaking as I make the first cut in my hip, but soon after I'm feeling a bit more relaxed. It's destructive and bad, but I don't care, it helps me. After making a few more cuts and washing my hair, I get out and put toilet paper on the cuts to stop the bleeding. I wish I could use bandages, but they are too expensive if I'm using a few a day. Also it would be suspicious if we suddenly had an abundance of bandages.

I get dressed hoping to be able to my homework for real this time. Which probably won't happen till about 1am. Getting out paper to start doing my essay as my mind wanders to everything but my homework.

What would happen if I died? Would there be a noticeable difference? On a cosmic scale everything I do is meaningless anyways. What's the point of doing work if it won't change anything. Why do work when you'll probably have killed yourself before age 20. How selfish could I be, thinking that I could somehow change the world. Stupid. I'm so pathetic.

I manage to tear myself out of that train of thought. But what if it's true?

Snap.

That takes me out of my trance. Sometimes I'll have to snap my rubber band hundreds of times to get myself out of those thoughts. I can still feel the pain, though. My skin is crawling, it wants me to cut it again. I can't. Not on my arms, that makes it too easy to see, but oh god they feel like they're on fire.

The act of digging my nails into my arms is enough to distract me so I can grab my writing journal to maybe distract me. I open it up and write the first thing that comes to my head.

It feels like I'm on fire!

Writing about my pain is so therapeutic that after doodling in my book for a bit I'm finally calm enough to start my homework. Looking at the clock I see it's 11:30 at night, and holy shit! I ate supper at 5:30, how could I have gotten so side tracked! I knew the answer but I didn't want to dwell on it since I had homework to start.

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After finishing up, finally, it's now 1 in the morning. I should be going to bed but really what's the point? I don't want to have a tomorrow and as soon as I fall asleep it's going to be tomorrow, so I might as well delay it as long as possible.

Why did life have to exist, it's so exhausting and pointless. And why couldn't I just disappear? I don't want to wait for the set date, I want to end it all tonight. This is pointless, I'm pointless. I'm ruining a perfect thing, why does life have to be so unfair. If only it wouldn't be such a huge burden on everyone I could be dead already!

Sighing I realize that this isn't any way to live. Thinking about how easy it would be to get out of bed and grab pills feels like a tidal wave to the face. With shaking hands I reach for my phone to look up the lethal dose of aspirin. As I scroll through the search results the suicide hotline pops up, and I realize what I'm doing. Do I really want to go through with this? But then there would be a mess to clean up, I have no note, and I'm too scared.

How pathetic, the suicidal boy can't even kill himself.

Realizing what I would do if I leave this bed I sit motionless, petrified of my own mind. I really did want to kill myself, so then why wasn't I rushing out of my bed to do it? There had to be a reason. What was it?

I then thought of sunsets, which I loved so much. And stars, so beautiful as they light up the night. Pathetic, really, how I can only name to reasons to not kill myself. And maybe, that was all I needed to get me through the night.

Getting under the covers and desperately trying to get the thoughts of my own self destruction out of my head isn't how I planned on ending my night, but it seems that's how I've been ending more, and more of them.

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Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I really enjoy writing this!

Please don't self harm, it isn't worth it, please get help if you are struggling.

If you have any feedback, please give it! It's highly appreciated!

-R