About to miss everything (Kellic)

Morning after

When we were young we used to say that you only hear the music when your heart begins to break

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Waking up sucks, but waking up next to Vic sucks a little less. The circumstances of him being here with me aren't the best, but at least he is here with me.

"Hey beautiful." He says sleepily, rubbing his eyes and stretching.

"Morning," I reply yawning, "Did you sleep well?"

"I slept great knowing that you were safe in my arms." He whispers caressing my face. "Did you sleep well."

"Yeah, I was really drained and this might be the longest I've slept in a month."

"Kellin..." Vic begins sadly, "I got here at 3am at the earliest and it's 6 now." I try to look away but he lightly pushes up my chin to meet his eyes. "Please tell me you weren't sleeping less than 3 hours a night for that long."

"I.... can't tell you that." I say sadly, looking down.

"Hey, don't worry, things will get better now. We're going to help you feel better."

"We're?" I say confused, who else would be helping.

"Jack. You really need to tell him Kellin, don't keep him in the dark anymore." He says hopefully, but there is nothing I want to do less than tell Jack everything.

"I don't think I can do that," I begin slowly. "Actually, no, I don't want to do that." I say more confidently, hoping Vic will take back his statement.

"And why not? You know if you really want to get better telling Jack would be really helpful." He says, not backing down at all.

"I can't tell him." Is what I say but what I mean is, I don't want to get better. But Vic doesn't want to hear that.

"Kellin, I can't make you do anything, but for me can you please do this. I don't want to tell him myself but if I have to, I will." He threatens pinching his nose in frustration.

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"Fine!" I say exasperatedly, this is the last thing I want to do, but Vic telling him would be double last. I'll just have to suck it up and tell him.

"Good, I'll invite him over and we'll talk." He says getting up, looking very proud of himself. I sit in silence thinking while he is on the phone then leans back in the room and says "He'll be over in 30!"

I get up and put on a sweatshirt and meet Vic downstairs. He is cooking eggs so I sit down and wait for him to finish. When he is done he puts a plate down in front of me and sits across from me eating as well.

"Kellin?" he asks and I hum in response playing around with my eggs. "When is the last time you ate a proper meal?"

"Why do you ask?" I say a little nervously because the answer he would not like, I was so busy being miserable food wasn't really something I was worried about.

"Because you are picking at your food, I don't remember you eating really anything at lunches, and you felt a lot thinner when I was holding you." He states, eyeing me, and I know I can't get out of it.

"I don't know, maybe a week or two ago? Maybe three?" I say trying to brush it off, but Vic had no intentions of doing that.

"Kellin! You need to eat, starting with those eggs. If you don't finish those I'll, I'll, I don't know what I'll do but I won't be happy." He says so sternly that I put a bite in my mouth, it tastes really good so I easily finish, making Vic relax slightly.

"See, nothing to worry about." I smile, trying to look as convincing as possible, even though I felt extremely full.

"Mhmm, sure." He says checking his watch. "Jack will be here anytime."

Those few words speed up my heart rate as I am not ready for this, but Vic thinks it'll help, and I'll do anything for him. The doorbell rings and Vic placed a hand on my shoulder for a second before heading to open the door. I take a deep breath and join him.

"Hi guys? What's the important thing I need to hear Vic?" He says sounding worried but also at ease.

"Where do you want to talk Kellin?" Vic says and even more of the reality of the situation is brought into me.

"I guess my room?" I mumble, as we head up to my room Vic rubs a hand on my back trying to comfort me but I flinch and feel even more nervous.

I feel sick to my stomach with food in it and it reminds me of why I didn't eat for the past while. As we arrive in the room I feel even more sick and I lean over to my garbage and gag, spitting out bile and egg into the bin. Vic pulls my hair back and I keep gagging and choking until everything is up.

I'm still shaking after I throw up as I walk into the bathroom and wash off my face and drink some water from the sink. I walk back and see a stressed Vic and a shocked Jack staring at me.

"Kellin, something must be seriously wrong if you got so nervous to have a panic attack and throw up at the thought of telling me." He says sounding really worried as I sit down on the floor and sitting next to me. "But please know I won't judge you, okay?"

"I can start if you want Kellin?" Vic says, and though I don't want him to, if he doesn't start I don't think I will anyways. I nod slowly giving him permission. "Okay, so there isn't any nice way to say this but Kellin is struggling really bad right now. I had thought he was getting better these past weeks and I didn't think that you would need to know until what happened last night."

"What happened last night?" Jack says concerned, he keeps swapping his gaze from me to Vic and I just sink into my sweater further.

"Do you want to tell him, or do you want me too?" Vic asks and I mumble a 'you tell him' as I was already extremely embarrassed.

"Ok so last night at around 3am I got a call from a very upset Kellin, and knowing what I know this was an important call so I rushed over and snuck in his window. He had cut very deeply on his arms and had confessed that he only called because he was planning on killing himself." He explained and after it was silent, Jack was looking at me as if pleading me to say it wasn't true, but I couldn't make eye contact.

After I said nothing he reached out slowly for my sleeves as if he needed to see to believe it. I held out my arms and as he rolled up my right sleeve I say how his hands were shaking. When he saw the blood soaked bandages he dropped his hands and sobbed.

"Fuck, Kellin." He mumbled between sobs. I felt extremely responsible and held him as he sobbed into my shoulder. "How long Kellin? Fuck, how long? You know you could have told me, I would have helped?" He was in hysterics and holding on to me tightly.

"A few years." I whispered, not wanting to upset him more.

"Kellin why wouldn't you tell me? You were hurting for years and you thought I wouldn't care? I'm so sorry I made you feel that way Kellin." He was holding me so tight I thought I might explode but I couldn't back out, he was so upset.

He finally leaned back, and wiped some of the tears out of his eyes. He looked so sad that it shook me, how could I have been so selfish to want to leave these people who cared so deeply. I felt so selfish I began to snap the bands on my wrists as I couldn't cut right now.

Jacks eyes looked down to me snapping the band on my wrist and immediately grabbed my hands. "So that's why you were doing that, I always thought it was like a fidget thing." He pulled me up and towards my bed and sat down with me there Vic following suit. "We are going to have a nap, because I am exhausted and I know you two are. And I would like to know that you are safe and therefor am not leaving"

So we all lay there exhausted until we fell right back asleep. 

Wow, sorry for the long break, I havent been mentally well and took a break, hope you can find this enjoyable. 

-R