About to miss everything (Kellic)

Chapter 5: Awkward conversations

You might be leading now but there is no way you could ever win when you have absolutely no control over any of the situations that you put yourself in.

The ride back to my house was awful. Vic was letting silent tears run down his face and I was just so tired I couldn't seem to comprehend the gravity of the situation. Somewhere on the ride home I fell asleep.

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"Kellin," I hear Vic say, "we're at your house. We need to go in." I groan in response and get out of the car. He looks a little calmer but overall, we look like shit. His eyes are puffy and red and his shirt is wet from tears and probably some of my blood. My eye bags mixed with tear tracks and bed-head also isn't a good look.

We are just entering the house when I hear Vic speak. "Kellin, you know we need to have a talk, where do you want to have it." I sigh and lead him up to my room. I really don't want to talk about this with him, it's bad enough he knows. I can't have him knowing more of why.

I sit on my bed as he is looking around my room. It isn't much, just a few pictures on the walls, and a dresser. "Cool room." Vic says sitting next to me. I nod in acknowledgement and sit back preparing for the incoming questions.

"Kellin," he says suddenly very serious, "you can't keep doing this. You are hurting yourself and you are hurting me, I need you to try and stop? Ok?" He sounds more and more desperate as the sentance goes on but it doesn't even phase me.

"I'll be dead soon, it won't even matter." I barely whisper, hoping he won't hear it.

"Kellin!" He says, voice rising an octave, "Please don't say things like that. I know I asked this earlier, but Kellin!" He says breaking into another wave of tears. I don't know what to do so I put a hand awkwardly on his arm, hoping to sooth the crying boy. "Kellin please," he says grabbing my hand that is on his arm, "you can't mean it," he was practically pleading now, "you just can't!" 

"Can't what Vic? You aren't making sense."

"You can't want to kill yourself Kellin. You are so wonderful, smart, talented, funny, and beautiful. And your arms Kellin..." he paused swallowing deeply, "Your arms! Kellin they are so bad, you need to stop." 

"I don't want to." I say, blurring out the truth in my tired state. "I'm sorry Vic but I just don't care anymore." I finally look him in the eyes, "Don't you see there isn't anything left for me? I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve to live!" I can't hold his gaze after I admit that. I look down in defeat and play with my sleaves.

"Oh Kellin." He whispers, "Can I please hold you?" I nod weakly. He wraps his arms around me and I begin to shake. "Shh, it's ok. Just breathe. I'm okay, your okay, we're okay."  He whispers soothingly into my ear. I lean into his touch, which is nice because I'm pretty touch starved. He is still holding me as he says, "Kellin listen please, if you ever want to talk, or want to do something good drastic, call me? Please let me help you. I only want you to be happy."

"I can't do that to you!" I protest. 

"Why not?" 

Because I always want to do something drastic and I don't want to bug you with it is what I want to say, but I settle for "I don't want to bug you."

"Kellin, you could never bug me, I just want you better." He sighs, and holds me tighter. "Please, if you take anything out of this, please just know I care about you?" 

"I know." I whisper weakly, exhausted from everything that has happened. He squeezes me for a second and I relax more in his arms. I starts to become harder to stay awake and I begin to drift out of consciousness. 

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I wake up and irbid feels as if I have had no sleep. I look around lazily and I see Vic is still herei can't believe he hasn't left yet, I'm so awful, I don't deserve his kindness. 

"Morning sweetheart." Vic teases me as I look at him through my tired eyes.

"How long was I asleep for?" I say as I sit up trying to fix my hair.

"Not that long it's only 1:30." 

I nod and look down at my shirt. Oh fuck. I'm still wearing the same shirt as earlier that has all the blood on it. Vic seems to notice my distress at my shirt and his gaze saddens. I immediately feel awful, how can I get out of this situation, I don't want anyone knowing about the cuts. 

"I uh," I pause to find my words, "need to change my shirt?" What comes from my mouth sounds like more of a question than a statement. But Vic sadly nods and I excuse myself to go change. I go into my room and strip my shirt from my chest. Lookin at the cuts on my skin I cringe thinking about how Vic must have felt seeing them. I tell myself not to think about it and just pretend it never happened. I walk back to Vic and I say the same words like a mantra in my head.

Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.

He looks at me and smiles weakly.

Don't think about it.

I sit and he looks at my covered arms.

Don't think about it.

He looks sad, and as if he is going to cry.

Don't thi-

"Kellin.."  His voice rips me from the mantra and I know what is about to be talked about, there is no way I will get out of this, "I know you said you don't want to live but, I want to. So I need you to try, at least a little for me, please." He looks less desperate now, probably since he has had time to process his thoughts. I don't even know how to reply, but I know I have to think of something fast.

"I guess, for you,"I  pause to take a shakey  breath, "I'll try." I say as confidently as I could muster.

"Thank you," he whispers giving me a soft kiss on the forehead that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, "I should go now, but please if you need anything, anything at all, please call me." He says before walking out of my house.

Now that he's gone the exhaustion hasn't fully set in and I am exhausted. All the emotions of the day have left me feeling empty and hollowed out that I really need to go to bed. I know I should go to bed but I really do think I need a release from all the emotions, so instead of going to bed I walk into the bathroom.

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Sorry that was shorter than normal and maybe a bit sad! 

Hopefully you enjoyed it nonetheless!

-R