About to miss everything (Kellic)

Everyones a crying mess

But you don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night scaring the thought of kissing razors. This blood evacuation is telling me to cave in.

It's annoying to have such a good night and then end up feeling shitty. But here I am, in Vic's arms, feeling like absolute shit. I know Vic loves me and that Jack cares and that there is no rational reason for me to feel this way, but I'm feeling it and it doesn't seem like it's going to pass anytime soon.

I can feel the effects this feeling is having on my body, my hands are beginning to shake and I can feel the tears forming behind my eyes.

It's so god damn stupid. It was a great night, it went according to plan, actually even better than I expected the plan to go. But this feeling is here and I can't believe that I had to be so pathetic to not hold it at bay. I can feel the familiar sensation in my arms reminding me that a solution to this feeling is here. A solution of blood and hatred, a solution that my friends wouldn't want me to make.

I could do it, I know I could. I still have blades in my room that I couldn't bear getting rid of, they are comforting in a weird way. I know they are no good and that I'm supposed to be getting better but it's so tempting. The thoughts that were racing through my head were getting to be too much, and soon my whole body was shaking as I let out small, choked back sobs.

"Kellin," Vic's soft voice whispered, breaking me slightly out of my sad trance. "Hey, listen to me."

I choked out another sob and buried myself into his bare shoulder. He held me tighter rocking me as best he could from this position.

"Everything will be okay, breathe with me." He said, leaning back to look me in he eyes. I nodded and he placed my hands on his chest. I followed his breathing as best I could until my breathing was even, but slightly shaky.

"I..." I stutter, still shaken and exhausted from crying. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, lets get some clothes on and talk about this, okay?" He says, sitting up and gathering our clothes that were previously discarded on the floor. I blush, thinking about what happened as he awkwardly tries to find our underwear from the ground in the dark. "Do you want your sweater?"

"Yes, thank you." I say quietly as he hands me my sweater and boxers. I put them on and he just puts on his boxers, sitting across from me on the bed.

"Was it something I did?" He asks worriedly, and fuck, the look of sadness at his face is enough to make my heart feel heavy. "Because if it is, I'm so sorry Kellin."

"Vic, no. Oh god no." I say not even having to think about it. "I'm a mess, and that's why I'm sad. It has nothing to do with you, everything tonight was so wonderful."

He looks at me confused, I can tell that he wants to ask or say something but doesn't want to. I reach out place my hand reassuringly on his knee.

"What is it, you can ask or tell me anything."

"Well, I guess I'm quite stupid." He begins, nervously brushing some hair out of his face. "I just, you know thought that I could fix everything. And I know I can't. I just wish I could, so fucking bad."

I was stunned, Vic looked so distraught. His eyes were swimming with emotion and he looked so fragile, so different than the usual Vic. I scooted closer and engulfed him in a bone crushing hug, as if I hugged him tight enough everything would be fixed.

"I just want you to be happy Kellin. It hurts that you would feel so bad, in my arms, I was right here and I couldn't do anything. It's my fault that I was so self centred that I thought my love could fix you." He mumbled defeatedly in my ear.

I won't lie and  say it didn't hurt to hear Vic say how my deteriorating mental state effected him, but at least he understood. I wish that Vic loving me could cure everything, but it can't. These thoughts are around whether or not I have people who care.

"Even if you can't fix me doesn't mean you can't help me, you help me all the time. You know that, don't get so down on yourself."

He sniffles and leans back from my hug, he laughs a bit in a way that you can tell he's trying to push off his sadness and meets my eyes again.

"I'm sorry, I'll be alright. We were supposed to be talking about you. Are you okay? What was going on in your head?"

"I don't even know Vic." I say, frowning just thinking of it. "I still feel bad just more exhausted. And it's not like anything went wrong, everything was perfect. I just wanted to get up and.." I say trailing off, not wanting to say it.

"Get up and do what Kellin?" He said softly, I knew he had an idea, but just wanted to be sure. "It's okay, you're safe, I won't judge."

I take a deep breathe, I'm safe, Vic loves me, everything will be fine.

"I wanted to get up and cut." I say, embarrassed of the thoughts now that they were out in the open. Vic eyes saddened a bit at that and he pulled me in to a hug.

I didn't plan on beginning to bawl again, but once Vic's arms were around me I couldn't help it. The tears began to pour and my body shook as Vic cradles me and soothingly rubs his hands up and down my back.

After too much crying my body tires itself out and I pull away with tear tracks probably very evident on my face. Vic takes his thumbs and lightly brushes the stray tears off my face before lightly placing two kisses on my cheeks.

"You are so strong." Vic says and I frown.

I don't feel strong, I'm so weak. My thoughts are proof of that, no strong person would constantly want to kill themselves and cut their problems away. There is no way in hell that I am strong and deep down Vic must know it.

Vic must see the disbelief on my face because before I can protest he begins speaking again.

"You are Kellin. You get up everyday, and even though you don't want to be here you still get up and you try. And I don't understand how you could do that, you are so strong. I don't understand what's it's like to be you but I can't imagine how hard it must be to constantly fight your brain everyday."

He finishes what he's saying and I'm speechless. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm not weak, even if I feel that way. He isn't wrong, stupid Vic and never being wrong.

"Thank you, I don't know what else to say."

"You don't have to say anything, let's just go back to sleep?" He asks, motioning back towards the pillows and covers.

"Yeah, that sounds good." I said, not having to be told twice. I was exhausted, and maybe I could finally go back to bed.

"You might get hot in that sweater, also I really liked it when it was off." Vic says, and I slowly take it off. Kind of embarrassed even though I am not as exposed as I was earlier.

Vic just admired me and pushed me back til I was laying down. He got on top and began slowly kissing me. I responded by kissing back and running my hand up the side of his warm chest, settling it against his waist.

"You are so beautiful, don't fucking forget." He mumbled into the kiss, causing me to smile.

I kept smiling into the kiss that we accidentally smack into each other's teeth. Vic pulled back smiling and shaking his head slightly.

"Whoops." I whispered, still smiling.

I couldn't stop smiling, fuck the effects this boy has on me. I couldn't help but look at his beautiful face, and admire how fucking good he looked. And he was smiling which was a plus, he seemed to radiate happiness which made me feel warm inside.

"What am I ever going to do with you." He teases, poking me in the forehead.

"I don't know, kiss me and then cuddle with me to sleep?"

"What a great suggestion, let's do that." He said kissing my nose and lying beside me.

I shifted over into his warm arms sighing in content of how great it felt to be held by him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, falling asleep to the thought of Vic.