wattys longlist 2018 | MEET ELLA. She's drowning, literally. Ella has lung cancer, causing her lungs to fill with liquid that needs to be drained daily. Every breath she takes feeds her life, but also takes it.
MEET JAKE. Resident smoker and bad boy...
My heart tightened in my chest as I looked at the city in front of me. The bright lights painted across the endless skyline. I walked forward to lean across the railing. The rooftop itself was gorgeous, filled with plants and lights. It was perfect.
"This is amazing Jake. How did you find it?" I asked turning to him as he came forward to lean against the railing next to me.
"Well... When I first got here I was searching for a place to smoke to be honest and found this place. It's pretty neat."
I looked at him sideways as he started to fumble around in his pocket, before pulling out a lighter and smokes. I continued to stare as his lit and put it up to his lips. Jake saw me staring and looked down to the ground not meeting my eyes.
I didn't care. He can do what he wants, after all we all cope differently.
"Are you just going to smoke and not give me one?" I asked. His head whipped up to look at me, eyes wide. He coughed out the smoke in surprise.
"WHAT? No these are bad for you! Why would you even... Hell Ella! You have lung cancer for Christ sake, what are you trying to do?
"If it's so bad then why are you smoking?" I snap, frowning.
"Because I don't care Ella!" He exclaims, his face desperate.
"Well... I don't either, it can't hurt me I'm already dying." I say grabbing the box and lighter off him.
"Fine! Fine! I'll get rid of these and stop of you promise me you won't ever smoke. And don't say that. You're not going to die..."
"Deal. And don't lie to me Jake. Not you. Everyone knows it's going to happen, saying otherwise won't change that. Hell! How did you even get smokes in here?" He huffs out a breath, running his hand through his hair, sitting down and hanging his legs of the building. I sat down beside him, and he flicked his smoke out of his fingers and into the air.
"I'm a man of many trades Ella. I mean why are you even surprised, it's not hard. You should know that you smuggled and have kept a full-size cat in this place." He said shrugging.
True.
We sat like that for a while, in silence just staring out at the world. Until I decided to break the silence.
"Jake. Why don't you care?" I said softly and felt him flinch beside me. I turned to face him, and he did the same. His eyes were glossy as he looked at me.
"Because I have nothing left anymore." He whispered, and I hugged him softly, his head dropping to rest on my collarbone, his breath brushing my neck softly.
"Me too." I murmured brushing his hair softly. Silence rang out once again.
"Why are you here Jake? Like in this place." He lifted his head from my neck to look at me with pain in his eyes. "Y-you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I rushed out quickly, cursing myself for asking impulsively.
"No. It's okay." His voice was soft as he looked at me. "I tried. For so long to feel something, but..." He closed his eyes, "nothing worked, I got into fights, I smoked, hell I tried everything, but it just didn't work... One day it just became too much..." My heart dropped as he spoke, and even more when he reached for his sleaves.
Oh God... Please no...
"So I did this..." He gestured his wrists and I felt the tears fill my eyes as I looked at the large scars on each.
I looked up to his eye, the pain there broke me and the tears spilt free. He broke eye contact and looked down to the ground yanking his sleaves down.
"I-I understand if you don't want to hang out with me anymore... God I'm such a mess..." He ran his hand through his hair.
"No. No don't ever think that Jake. This doesn't change how I see you, not at all. I-I'm sorry for crying..." I swiped at my eyes, "I just hate to think that you were or are in that much pain to drive you to that..." With that he looked up at me, surprise lining his face.
So being the impulsive person I am I grabbed his wrists and pulled his sleaves back. "This does not change you in anyway Jake..." I say placing a soft kiss on his first wrist, I heard as he sucked in a breath. "If anyone. Anyone. Say's otherwise then they don't deserve you at all..." I placed a kiss on his other wrist, before looking up into his eyes, his eyelids hanging low.
"Ella..." He breathed.
And before I knew what was happening I was on Jake, straddling his waist as he pressed his lips against mine.
My heart stopped.
Oh God.
What do I do? I've never kissed anyone before me.
Jake moved his lips against his softly, grabbing my waist, causing a gasp to escape my lips.
I was putting my arms around his neck, when he pulled away abruptly, jumping up and leaving me sitting on the cold ground.
"I-I shouldn't have done that..." He whispered, turning around rubbing his head with frustration.
He doesn't want me. I thought brushing my fingers against my swollen lips.
I stumbled as I stood up, my head still swimming with questions about what just happened.
"I'm just going to go then..." I whispered rushing towards the door, trying to escape.
Tears ran down my face as I heard him punch the railing in frustration. "God dammit!" He growled.
No one want's you Ella. My mind whispered. As I slipped through the door, closing it behind me.
No one ever has.
So I did the only thing that made sense in that moment.
I stumbled back to the party, to the people dancing, and the drinks.
Heart falling apart in my hands, I threw the shot glass back.
Revelling in the burn as the drink melted down my throat.
Liquid courage.
Liquid fire.
___
WOWOWOW Drowning on Oxygen has 100 votes! Thank you so much to everyone who's helped it get to this stage, starting at little under a month ago I had no idea it would get to this stage. Like ever. A special thanks to these two:
